Let The Baggage Go

My boyfriend kissed me on our first date. It was after brunch, we were walking holding hands, as if we were together for a very long time (in reality I met him a month prior) and as I was about to proceed down the steps of the train station, he pulled me in close for a hug and he kissed me.

I was pleasantly surprised and replied “I usually don’t kiss on the first date”

“Well now you do” he said.

It would take a few weeks before I got completely comfortable with kissing someone I barely even knew. What was the rush? I wanted to get to know him first before we jumped into the affectionate aspect of our promising relationship. One day I went over to his house and shied away from a potential make out session. To be honest, I just wasn’t ready. With time, we would get there but I didn’t want to rush anything I would regret later. He was frustrated and said that I was acting immature and he couldn’t be with someone who lacked affection. I was offended by his comment and went home. He apologized for upsetting me after I brought it to his attention and essentially backed off.

I knew there was something deeper. Why did he need to be validated with a kiss? Why couldn’t he be content with my word when I said I liked everything about him? Over time, as we started getting to know each other more, I realized his need for validation had nothing to do with me but his un-reconciled past with his ex. girlfriend. The more he opens up, the more I am realizing that he stayed with someone for 2-years who just wasn’t that into him nor wanted to be affectionate with him and his insecurity from that relationship is being projected on to me. I resented him for putting that sort of pressure on me, and warned him, that if he didn’t change I would have to move on.

Sure and behold, he listened to my rant, and thanked me for my honesty. He also apologized for his insensitivity and promised he would work on changing for me and I have to admit he did. I also came around to the whole affection thing because I also have issues with being lovey dovey. Finally finding someone I like is a new feeling. I’m so used to being guarded and wanting so desperately to protect my heart that it often makes me stiff and a bit rigid when it comes to intimacy but with him I am starting to feel so free and vulnerable and I am loving every second of it. As time progressed and we both began to peel each others walls, our affection for one another intensified and our initial issues are now an object of the past.

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