Sometimes I feel behind. I recently scored a new job, (thank you Jesus), but it was a lateral move as opposed to a promotional role, meaning I would remain the same title as opposed to a higher one. I felt insecure about it. While the opportunity is amazing, I feel like I am operating on a higher level than what my title reflects and should be validated as such. Also, some of my peers have advanced in a meteoric way and I don’t feel the same. At work I have a healthy culture, my mental health and well-being are prioritized and I love what I do but I don’t have the title. I confided in my best friend Myleka about it and she snapped me back into reality reminding me:
I am anointed, which means I can’t operate how others do because I am here on assignment. I have a purpose in this work and while sometimes I don’t know what that is, I know that God wants to use me to build his kingdom, be a light in dark spaces, and help others.
God’s timing is perfect, yes I may often feel like a late bloomer, but God uses those who people underestimate; so while I may still be at the same level for the past three years, there is something brewing and within his perfect time, it will be revealed.
Look up, it seems that I’ve been looking to the left and right of me but not above. Seek God first and everything will fall into place.
Check out this recent sermon from T.D. Jakes entitled “The Bumpy Road to Better.” What resonated with me was that we all have gifts and should use them, even during times of famine, hard times, and uncertainty like Joseph did in the bible.
I miss blogging. I miss writing. So I am going to start again. I haven’t written a blog since last March 2021. The death of my dad took a huge toll on me. I wore a cloud of grief over my head until Feb. 3rd, 2022. That was the one-year anniversary of the passing of my dad and also the time I declared, no more sadness. I wanted to get back to me and mean it.
Last year was like a twilight zone. Most days I felt disconnected from myself like I was in a warped reality. I pushed myself to start a new life without my dad but it never felt authentic. Yes, I was traveling, buying new designer bags, adjusting to my new neighborhood, but it all just felt blah. No true substance. The reality is material things cannot fill the huge void of losing a loved one who is significant to you.
Things began to shift in July 2021. I was miserable at work and needed to quit my job. I worked in a culture that was toxic. Gaslighting was on a high and I wanted out. I was also being told I wasn’t ready for more. The reality was, I was more than ready and I was more than good enough. I was disappointed in “my bosses.” They would never be capable of managing and grooming me no matter how hard I worked and my desire to quit was more of a reflection of their leadership.
I had a friend and colleague who saw my potential and leveraged her own pivot into a new company. She pretty much took me along with her. It was divine. I got a great salary, good benefits, and more. It took some time to realize the offer I was getting because everything last year was so weird, but once I did, I danced like no tomorrow. The only problem left for me to handle was getting up the courage to put in my two weeks notice. Who knew that was so hard. I had to use a script and write mantras with lipstick on my mirror because I knew my team wouldn’t take it well and I wanted to be prepared for this awkward conversation. Won’t go into the particulars but my exit experience was distasteful. While I was hurt, I was finally free!
I had a month off to reflect and heal but to be honest I don’t think I healed much during that time. There was too much to process. Yet, it was nice to be like Tommy, with no job. I cooked, cleaned, got everything I was procrastinating to get done, done; I went to Fort Greene Park to read, sold clothes on Poshmark, and just lived a carefree life for a month. I ended the time with a trip to Turks and Caicos with my mom and cousins. Turks and Caicos is one of the most beautiful islands in the world. The water is so serene and clear. I literally stayed in the water for 12 hours one day and when I finally got on the shore it felt like I was still in waves, borderline seasick on land. I needed that time with my mom. We released a lot of pain in the water and had a good time.
When I returned back to the States, I had a non-covid cough that would stay with me until October, (it was horrible) but most importantly, I had a new job awaiting. I really love my new team and I am so happy I took that leap of faith and made the pivot.
Other highlights from 2021 included getting Ginger and my mom got her brother Blaze. In April 2021, we took a road trip to Pennsylvania for our beautiful mini poodles. They were so cute and continue to be both a blessing and a distraction from our grief because of how mischievous they are. Who knew puppies were so much work? I also hosted Christmas in my apartment for the first time which was so fun. We had cool drinks with LED lights, cheeseburger sliders, games, and catered food from “The Door” a Jamaican restaurant in Queens.
My skin journey went downhill last year. I started using Rihanna’s Fenty Skin and I have never seen my skin in such a bad shape. Burning sensations, red face, cystic pimples, acne, it was horrifying. I will never use that product again; it does not work for me.
My hair journey was okay, I am just continuing to grow my hair after I shaved it in 2020.
My book journey also went downhill. I didn’t finish more than 5 books last year. Who has time to read when you’re grieving?
I am sure I am forgetting a ton, but that was my year in a nutshell. There were some lows and some highs, but hey, it’s all a part of life right?