My confidence was developed through letting go of a lot of ungodly soul ties and working on loving myself. For so long I sought validation from the men in my life. I was even surprised that they saw something in me that I’d never seen in myself, and because they did, I wanted to hold on tight. I am looking at this picture and I am remembering a time when I was a teenager and would never be able to take a picture like this. I hated my profile (the structure of the side of my face). It reminded me that I had big chubby cheeks, like a chipmunk, that looked nothing like the fierce bone structure of the models in magazines. I would sometimes (not often), avoid mirrors because of my growing pains and insecurity and these kinds of feelings about yourself is no recipe to pursue a relationship. You should never go into a relationship half empty, looking for your partner to complete you; through experience, I’ve learned that it just doesn’t work.
In my first post on Ungodly Soul Ties, I talked about the strongest soul tie that I had, and I am definitely going to address that some more in subsequent posts, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t address another ungodly soul tie that I had while in college (that I often try to forget). If I was insecure as a teen, this soul tie, plummeted my esteem to a new all-time low. I was in what some would now call a “situationship.” A situationship is a relationship without the title of being in one. I was determined to be his girlfriend but he wasn’t the “commitment type.” Unfortunately for me, I was giving him all of the benefits of a girlfriend without having the actual title and although I wasn’t okay with that, I stayed with him. My soul was connected to him and would stay like that for about three years. I was hypnotized by him and no matter what I did, I could not shake him. Getting hurt by him began to feel normal. It must have been a feeling I yearned since I kept going back for more. This time in my life could be characterized by absolute chaos, confusion, and abandonment. The relationship worked around him, when he called, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted to drive to see me, and when he didn’t feel like doing any of those things, I waited until he did. One day, after two long years of the back and forth, I had enough. He spent the weekend with me, and I was sick of not being “enough” for him. I was trying to convince this man that could do nothing for me, that I was the one he should be with and he stood firm in his non-committal status. Meanwhile, I had my whole life ahead of me (I was only a few weeks away from being a college graduate), I would soon be working and pursuing a career and through all of that, I still pursued this relationship. I knew, when he walked out of my apartment that day, it was the end of us and sure enough, it was.
I want to make something very clear, if anything was an ungodly soul tie, this relationship was it. I was distracted from God because of him. I stopped going to church (partially because I was in Pennsylvania and there weren’t any churches I would’ve wanted to go to out there but also because I wasn’t interested). I would wake up and think about him. I remember being in math class and before the lesson started, I was thinking about him. When I went out with my friends I would think about him. It was really a trance, that’s how I used to explain it to my friends. I would want to be out of the situation but some sort of power of the mind, beyond me, was making me yearn and crave him and now I realize it was the enemy. God has a plan for us and the enemy has a plan for us. There is constant warfare for our lives. The enemy used this relationship to distract me from God and trust me it did, but not for much longer.