Ungodly Soul Ties & Sacrifice

Kydee Williams SelfieMy confidence was developed through letting go of a lot of ungodly soul ties, and working on loving myself. For so long, I sought validation from the men in my life. I was even surprised that they saw something in me that I’d never saw in myself, and because they did, I wanted to hold on tight. I am looking at this picture, and I am remembering a time when I was a teenager, and would never be able to take a picture like this. I hated my profile (the structure of the side of my face). It reminded me that I had big chubby cheeks, like a chipmunk, that looked nothing like the fierce bone structure of the models in magazines. I would sometimes, (not often) avoid mirrors because of my growing pains and insecurity, and these kinds of feelings about yourself is no recipe to pursue a relationship. You should never go into a relationship half empty, looking for your partner to complete you; through experience I’ve learned, it just doesn’t work.

In my first post on Ungodly Soul Ties, I talked about the strongest soul tie that I had, and I am definitely going to address that some more in subsequent posts, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t address another ungodly soul tie that I had while in college (that I often try to forget). If I was insecure as a teen, this soul tie, plummeted my esteem to a new all time low. I was in what some would now call a “Situationship.” A situationship is a relationship without the title of being in one. I was determined to be his girlfriend but he wasn’t the “commitment type.” Unfortunately for me, I was giving him all the benefits of a girlfriend, without having the actual title, and although I wasn’t okay with that, I stayed with him. My soul was connected to him and would stay like that for about 3-years. I was hypnotized by him and no matter what I did, I could not shake him. Getting hurt by him began to feel normal. It must have been a feeling I yearned, since I kept going back for more. This time in my life could be characterized by absolute chaos, confusion, and abandonment. The relationship worked around him, when he called, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted to drive to see me, and when he didn’t feel like doing any of those things, I waited until he did. One day, after two long years of the back and forth, I had enough. He spent the weekend with me, and I was sick of not being “enough” for him. I was trying to convince this man, that could do nothing for me, that I was the one he should be with and he stood firm in his non-committal status. Meanwhile, I had my whole life ahead of me (I was only a few weeks away from being a college graduate), I would soon be working, and pursuing a career and through all of that I still pursued this relationship. I knew, when he walked out of my apartment that day, it was the end of us and sure enough it was.

I want to make something very clear, if anything was an ungodly soul tie, this relationship was it. I was distracted from God because of him. I stopped going to church (partially because I was in Pennsylvania and there weren’t any churches I would want to go to out there, but also because I wasn’t interested). I would wake up and think about him. I remember being in math class and before the lesson started, I was thinking about him. When I went out with my friends I would think about him. It was really a trance, that’s how I used to explain it to my friends. I would want to be out of the situation, but some sort of power of the mind, beyond me, was making me yearn and crave him, and now I realize it was the enemy. God has a plan for us and the enemy has a plan for us, there is constant warfare for our lives. The enemy used this relationship to distract me from God, and trust me it did, but not for much longer.

Continue reading “Ungodly Soul Ties & Sacrifice”

Ungodly Soul Ties

Kydee williamsSoul Ties have been on my mind and heart for a while now, but very strongly this past weekend. I learned about Soul Ties about 3 years ago. I was actually weaning myself off of one when someone told me what it was. The strong feelings associated with this person no longer being in my life made sense now. I wasn’t crazy. I was in a soul tie! Throughout this post, I am going to share some of the things I’ve learned about soul ties along with my own personal experiences.

To start, there are two types of soul ties, an Ungodly Soul Tie and a Godly Soul tie. For the purposes of this post, I am going to focus on the Ungodly Soul Tie. As always, expect complete transparency.

Soul ties represent a bond. These bonds, or soul bonds are created through people and things. What normally ends up happening is that you become dependent and attached to them. The deeper the bond, the more difficult it is to break. Sometimes we don’t know how tied we are to someone or something until it’s time to give it up.

I was with someone for about 9-years. Now, if we are going to be real, I was only really with them in a relationship for about 4-years. The other 5-years we were in a “friends with benefits” arrangement. When it was time to breakaway from him, no one around me understood why it was so hard for me to do so:

“Yall broke up years ago, why do you still care about him?”

“He’s moved on and so should you!”

“That was just puppy love… that shouldn’t matter now.”

Their responses were callous. They didn’t understand how much it hurt to let this person go. I depended on him. I called him whenever something was going right or wrong and he was there for me. I sought his approval. I LOVED him. More importantly, they didn’t understand that I was in a soul tie so strong that it couldn’t easily be cured with a Girl’s Night Out or meeting someone new, it was deep. It was spiritual. It was warfare.

There are various ways a soul tie can form:

Continue reading “Ungodly Soul Ties”

Books That I am LOVING

Now that summer is officially over, I can share with you guys what I’ve been reading. I challenged myself to read as much books as possible this summer because i’ve been slacking. I love to read, I really do, but sometimes with my hectic schedule I find it hard to allot time to actually read!

The Solution: I discovered Audible. Audible is an Amazon based service that allows you to listen to books as opposed to reading them. I was able to read (listen to) A Piece of Cake, Purpose Driven Life-What On Earth Am I Here For? (Still Reading), and Why Not Me? However, there’s something about holding a book, and turning each page with curiosity that I can’t substitute, no matter how convenient audio books might be.

Here’s some of the books I’ve been engulfed in this past summer:

1.The Sisters are Alright:Changing the Broken Narrative of Black Women in America

Describe it in One Word: Empowering

I enjoyed the conversation in this book. It brought to the forefront topics that affect black woman ranging from beauty and health to sex and anger. I loved that it reinforced the idea that we are magic. Maybe the world doesn’t see it, but we are a superb breed. However it read like a couple of books that I’ve read in the past about black woman including Shifting and When Chicken Heads Come Home to Roost.

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2.The Little Black Book Of Success: Laws Of Leadership for Black Woman

Describe it in One Word: Insightful

This book is a good read, but a lot of the lessons that the authors teach, I’ve already learned through experience at work. Therefore, I would suggest this book for someone just entering the work place. It jumps from finding mentors to being a leader and executive and sometimes the career track isn’t that fast. Actually, I know it’s not. Great book nevertheless.

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3. Miss Jessies: Creating A Successful Business from Scratch Naturally 

Describe it in One Word: Warmed my heart (3-words)

This book was a page turner from beginning to end. Not in the suspenseful kind of way, but simply because if you know anything about Natural Hair and Natural Hair Products, then you know that these two women were one of the pioneers of that industry. Miko Branch takes us on a journey from the beginning, growing up in Queens, New York in the 80’s. Her story of their humble beginnings makes you feel as if you’re their kin. I loved the trajectory. I loved the name dropping. I loved the transparency when it came to relationships and family disagreements. I loved the business advice. You are literally on a journey with the Branch Sisters through the ups and the downs.

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4. Lost & Found 

Describe it in One Word: Transparent

Sarah Jakes holds nothing back. From her struggles with being Bishop TD Jake’s daughter and having everyone try to get close to her for that reason alone, to her tumultuous relationship with a college football star who eventually went off to the NFL. This book deals with it all: teen pregnancy, feelings of inadequacy, highs, lows, cheating, relationships, forgiveness, and finding purpose. I loved everything about Sarah Jakes story and to be honest it changed me. It made me want to be more transparent and real when I write, which was why after reading Lost & Found I wrote Listen To Your Heart.

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5. Why Not Me?

Describe in One Word: Quirky

This book, Why Not Me? was interesting. It starts off with Mindy’s desperation for making friends in elementary school. It progresses into the various awkward situations she’s been through in life which separates her from everyone else. Some parts of the book I found to be annoying. Other parts were inspiring, including her meeting with President Obama because Malia Obama was reading her first book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” while on vacation. I also thought it was pretty impressive that she started writing for the show The Office at such a young age and was able to snag her own show The Mindy Project as a result. She might be annoying, but she’s totally blessed.

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6. We Should All Be Feminist

Describe in One Word: Flawless

This is a really short book. I think I read it in like 15-Minutes while at Barnes & Nobles. It’s not really a book, it’s a Ted Talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (which was sampled in Beyonce’s “Flawless”song), where she drops straight jewels on the state of women and why women should be upheld to the same standards of men and vice versa. She talks about Feminism having a negative connotation, and how people tried to denounce her for calling herself one. She also expresses her subversiveness when it comes to being boxed according to societal standards. She is who she is, and she’s not going to change for anyone.

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7. Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America

Describe in One Word: Enlightening

This book was awesome. I finished it back in June, after putting it down for some time. I learned so much, probably all I needed to know about the history of black hair. The book starts from our beginnings in Africa and chronicles through the new millennial age that we live in today. If you’re interested in hair or even black history, this is a great book to read. Probably one of the best on this list because of all the rigorous research the authors put in to making it as accurate as possible.

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8. A Piece of Cake

Describe in One Word: Heart-wrenching

This was by far one of the hardest books I’ve ever read in my life. Cupcake Brown was only 11 years old when her loving mother died. She was forced into the California Foster Care System which failed her. The first three days in the system she was raped viciously, and this cycle of abuse, rape, drugs, and alcohol followed her for years. She was angry, she joined gangs, she turned tricks and she survived. I won’t ruin the ending but it is so amazing how God works in our lives. This is not a tragic story, it’s one of resilience and success.

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9. Dark Girls

Describe in One Word: Necessary

It’s actually quite sad, that a book like Dark Girls has to be put out to empower black women. You would think in the year 2015, we would have moved past trivial issues such as judging someone based on how dark or light their skin is. I bought this book, keeping my future daughter in mind. I want her to understand the beauty and versatility that comes with black skin. It doesn’t matter what hue you are, you are BEAUTIFUL. I also bought it because the images inside are so powerful. The stories that our sisters had to endure because of their rich dark skin are disheartening but they are not asking to be viewed as victims. They are sharing their stories solely for a breakthrough in societal thought. We have to move beyond the surface people!

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I Will Not Settle When It Comes To Love

I am going to be really real right now and in my world, things are only real when I write them down. I love, love. I want to be in love. I want to get married. I want to have a splendid wedding. I want to have 1-2 children (Maybe just 1). I want to grow old with my husband, so old, I rub his big potbelly when we are 80 and find that sexy. I’ve wanted these things since I was old enough to remember. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, and I would sometimes ask God why he made me this way?

When I was 12-years old I started planning my wedding. I still have the binder filled with my chicken scratch of my future wedding plans. My friend Nikki is my witness; she was on the phone with me creating her own outline for the perfect wedding. I want to get married on a beautiful island or on a beautiful estate. I want the wedding to be such a love fest, there will be no dry eyes in sight. I never really wanted brides maids like that—I have so many great friends it would be hard to choose, plus I’ve always thought they were unnecessary (Thank You Gabbi and D-Wade for showing me I’m not alone). For my reception, I will change my dress of course–into something form fitting and comfortable. Most importantly, the party won’t stop. I don’t want a reception that’s only 2-hours. This will be a celebration, so we are partying and drinking all night!

I am writing this down because I don’t want to ever forget this. Sometimes, in life we forget the things that we always dreamed of and we settle. We meet someone, we know they may not want the same things we want, and just for the sake of finding someone or not being lonely, we settle for what they have to give. Well, I am saying today, I don’t want to settle. I don’t want no mediocre love over here. I want, what I want!

The following things are sources of inspiration that reminds me that I can find the love that I want and never, ever settle for mediocre love. Hope it can be a form of encouragement for you as well:

1.Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade’s Wedding: This post is inspired by this wedding video. I watched it and realized I love their wedding. I know it sounds surface and superficial but it’s not. You know how girls do, when we get into a relationship—we automatically think “could he be the one?” I do this all the time. In my last relationship, we talked marriage a few times, and I felt like I would have to compromise what I wanted because we didn’t have the funds to do something elaborate right now. Now I am realizing, I never want to do that ever again.

Continue reading “I Will Not Settle When It Comes To Love”

Feeding the Soul

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The other day at my Weight Watchers meeting, Toni, our leader stressed the importance of finding things that you love and doing it. Based on our feedback, she created a list of things that we love to do or would like to do to have “Me Time”. The idea here is to use these ventures as a substitute for eating. See below some of the things we came up with:

  1. Painting
  2. Church
  3. Mani/Pedi
  4. Volunteering
  5. Exercising/Going to the gym
  6. Taking a new Class (Cooking/language/Sewing/Knitting)
  7. Writing
  8. House Work/House Décor/Pintrest
  9. Taking a nice bubble bath/shower
  10. Going to a museum

A lot of revelations came out of this meeting. For one, if you know me then you know that I don’t have a problem with finding “Me Time” but more on that later. What was surprising to me was how many people in that room thought personal time for themselves or a creative outlet was foreign or something they could not fit into their schedules. That’s terrible! There are so many people on this earth that are not living, they’re just existing. They go through the motions of life, without taking time to look up, and see the beautiful, colorful, and multifaceted world that God created. They go to work, come home, deal with whatever they have going on at home, and do it all over again the next day. To be honest, a few years ago this person was me! I just focused on my job. I had no other goals and ambitions and did not even think about a purpose for my life as yet. I know how miserable that life is, because you’re doing nothing to make an impact for yourself or others, you’re just there, existing.

Maybe I do these things too much, I thought.

While at the meeting, I questioned if I had a problem because I didn’t need someone to tell me the importance of finding creative outlets to just do what I love, I try to do something I love every single day, whether it’s writing, painting, reading, or going to museums, it’s definitely in my schedule because my soul craves it. Soul Food, or Food for the Soul is the single most important thing you can do to bring happiness and fulfillment into your life. Tapping into what you always wanted to do and just doing it, no matter how good or bad you think you are at it is such a beautiful thing and adds character to your personality and your life. Who knows you might even find your purpose in this. Matter of fact, I am sure you will find your purpose in just doing what you love. Some people might think whatever you’re doing is a waste of time but that’s because they don’t get it. The first line of Ecclesiastics in the bible says “Everything is meaningless” and when you think about it, it really is. Life is so temporary, we are here one minute and gone the next and nothing you do, not that degree, that job, that house or the savings account, can come with you, so why not make the best of it while on earth. Feed your soul with travel, feed your soul with time with loved ones, feed your soul with experiences, feed your soul with activities, feed your soul with all the things you love to do because it needs it.

 

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The Best Natural Hair Advice I’ve Received was From…

I remember first going natural. My eyes completely opened to this new world of hair. I spent most of my life being ashamed of my hair and for the first time, I learned there was a community of women who had the same feelings, concerns, and hopes for this revolutionary hair movement. I no longer felt alone. It was a beautiful moment in my life, one that I will cherish forever, because it taught me how to love myself. I finally looked in the mirror after years of doing so and saw a beautiful woman staring back at me.

After 3-years of being natural, my hair completely fell out. I mean, fell out. It was gone. I worked so hard to grow my hair. I watched videos, moisturized, washed once a week, finger detangled, oiled every day and night, and even used a silk bonnet before bed. I thought my hair was strong enough to withstand heat, so when a hairdresser blow dried and flat ironed my hair I had no idea, it would break off only a few weeks later. I could blame it on the heat damage that weakened my follicles but the real issue was I was listening to all these natural hair “experts” internalizing what worked for their hair and thinking it would also work for my own.

IMG_8176 Four years after my big chop and I am detached from the natural hair movement. All the information and misinformation began to get overwhelming. One article tells you Biotin and Castor Oil is great for hair growth, while another article tells you it’s not. One youtuber says mineral oil is the worst thing known to man (and hair), while another youtuber tells you there are some good ones out there. So many experts, yet no one is really an expert. It almost felt like the blind leading the blind.

IMG_8247The natural hair movement is one of the best and most powerful movements out there. I thank God it came into existence because I would’ve never known my hair. I would still be wearing weaves, thinking my hair is not capable of growing. I can’t thank the movement enough for my consciousness now but I’ve learned that MY HAIR is teaching me all that I’ve ever needed to know; Not a youtube vlogger or a blogger—the hair growing on top of my head. I can’t emphasize enough how important that is. Now, I am not as anal about my hair. I wash it 1-2 times a month and do a protein treatment when I do. I moisturize it with water every day and an oil of choice (now its coconut oil). I take my hair, nails, and skin vitamins every single day. I doubled my intake of water, which is huge because I was one of those people who thought water was “nasty”. I honestly just let my hair do the talking and I am so amazed with its progress! It’s not where it used to be but gradually getting there. When you first go natural, the excitement is there, and it should be, I never want to take that from anyone. But with time you will learn, like me, that your hair is the best teacher!

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Don’t Put Me In A Box

One Friday after work, I felt like PAINTING. If you remember it was on my summer bucket list to paint my version of contemporary art (which is one of my favorite categories of art). I went to an art store in Soho and spent over $70 on 5 canvases, 3-paint brushes, and 6-Acrylic Paints. Once home I sat on the floor and created for the rest of the weekend.

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One of the things this experience taught me is to never have an opinion about someone’s ventures or capabilities if you haven’t tried it for yourself. For years, I would look at art in museums and question why it was art. It looked so elementary. Yet, when it came time for me to create art of my own, I struggled. My brush strokes were noticeable; My letters were too big, my lines were uneven, and my colors didn’t blend well. Gradually, I began to revere all artist because painting is not an easy task. There’s a certain technique you have to have and I knew I wouldn’t master it all in one weekend but with practice, maybe I would. Continue reading “Don’t Put Me In A Box”