Category: Relationships

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Contentment

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I walked home from church one Saturday afternoon, after spending the whole morning writing scripts for our Sunday school’s upcoming lessons. I passed through Park Slope and debated if I should go to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Mr. Wonton.  My stomach cravings got the best of me. I walked in and noticed a young, black woman, sitting in the corner, eating General Tso’s Chicken. She was alone. I was empowered by how carefree she was. I’ve eaten by myself before, but seeing her there, at that moment, reminded me how long it’s been since I’ve been a solo diner. I asked for a seat in the back of her, not to be a lurker but her area offered the best seating in the restaurant. I ordered shrimp fried rice and a shrimp roll. They brought over noodle chips with a bowl of duck sauce. I giddily enjoyed a delicious meal, and my fortune told me “If you can shape it in your mind, you will find it in your life…”

That simple moment led me to think about how content I was. I am single. I’ve been single for quite some time now, however it was the first time in my life where I didn’t feel shame about my singleness or even, complain about it. I love myself. I really do, and it took such a long time to get here but I am here. I don’t want to settle in a relationship. I don’t want to attract men with empty promises and an inability to be faithful. I don’t want to compromise myself anymore. I don’t want to lose myself either. I don’t want to give and not get the same back in return. I don’t want to feel alone, even though I have the title of a girlfriend. I don’t want to be worried about where my man is or why he hasn’t called me all day. I don’t want to question if he will feel the same joy that I feel about my birthday or Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to push my man to make more ambitious strides with his life without the same support from him. I don’t want to teach a man how to be a man. I’ve grown tired of it all.

My table was set for two. I looked at the empty seat in front of me, but it didn’t taunt me. It represented the ghosts of the many men that came before that just didn’t work out. It also represented the bright future ahead of me. I’ve given my love life to God. So while he does the work in me, I know there’s going to be many other times where I will be dating myself, and that’s okay. I am content in where I am right now because I know I am being prepared for a relationship that will last forever.

 

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Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties

IMG_0563-1Like many women, when I meet a guy that I actually like, I allow my mind to create a whirlwind of thoughts for what our perfect relationship would look like. Some might call these thoughts fantasies, which is completely normal and healthy. We all have them, don’t we? Well, according to Psychology Today:

“Fantasies are not frivolous. They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, even arousing, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality…”

As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality. As women, it’s pretty hard to meet someone we are really into and not have some sort of expectation for the future. That’s like telling someone, let’s go to Disney World but don’t expect to go on the rides. In saying this, I want to touch on this idea of fantasies and the false hope that it brings about; I am encouraged to tie this in with my series on soul ties. As with all of my soul ties post, I am about to get real, I am going to expose some of my vulnerabilities and you all might think I am completely insane, but that’s okay.

Side Note: I am a Pisces, and even though I am not into that astrology stuff anymore, Pisces tend to be dreamers, we want the happy endings, we believe in the good of all people. When I think of us, I can imagine that we would be content skipping through a big field of sunflowers, catching butterflies and enjoying the fresh air and sunlight. So please don’t judge me. Like for real, what I am about to say sounds even crazy to me.

Continue reading “Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties”

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Ungodly Soul Ties & Sacrifice

Kydee Williams SelfieMy confidence was developed through letting go of a lot of ungodly soul ties and working on loving myself. For so long I sought validation from the men in my life. I was even surprised that they saw something in me that I’d never seen in myself, and because they did, I wanted to hold on tight. I am looking at this picture and I am remembering a time when I was a teenager and would never be able to take a picture like this. I hated my profile (the structure of the side of my face). It reminded me that I had big chubby cheeks, like a chipmunk, that looked nothing like the fierce bone structure of the models in magazines. I would sometimes (not often), avoid mirrors because of my growing pains and insecurity and these kinds of feelings about yourself is no recipe to pursue a relationship. You should never go into a relationship half empty, looking for your partner to complete you; through experience, I’ve learned that it just doesn’t work.

In my first post on Ungodly Soul Ties, I talked about the strongest soul tie that I had, and I am definitely going to address that some more in subsequent posts, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t address another ungodly soul tie that I had while in college (that I often try to forget). If I was insecure as a teen, this soul tie, plummeted my esteem to a new all-time low. I was in what some would now call a “situationship.” A situationship is a relationship without the title of being in one. I was determined to be his girlfriend but he wasn’t the “commitment type.” Unfortunately for me, I was giving him all of the benefits of a girlfriend without having the actual title and although I wasn’t okay with that, I stayed with him. My soul was connected to him and would stay like that for about three years. I was hypnotized by him and no matter what I did, I could not shake him. Getting hurt by him began to feel normal. It must have been a feeling I yearned since I kept going back for more. This time in my life could be characterized by absolute chaos, confusion, and abandonment. The relationship worked around him, when he called, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted to drive to see me, and when he didn’t feel like doing any of those things, I waited until he did. One day, after two long years of the back and forth, I had enough. He spent the weekend with me, and I was sick of not being “enough” for him. I was trying to convince this man that could do nothing for me, that I was the one he should be with and he stood firm in his non-committal status. Meanwhile, I had my whole life ahead of me (I was only a few weeks away from being a college graduate), I would soon be working and pursuing a career and through all of that, I still pursued this relationship. I knew, when he walked out of my apartment that day, it was the end of us and sure enough, it was.

I want to make something very clear, if anything was an ungodly soul tie, this relationship was it. I was distracted from God because of him. I stopped going to church (partially because I was in Pennsylvania and there weren’t any churches I would’ve wanted to go to out there but also because I wasn’t interested). I would wake up and think about him. I remember being in math class and before the lesson started, I was thinking about him. When I went out with my friends I would think about him. It was really a trance, that’s how I used to explain it to my friends. I would want to be out of the situation but some sort of power of the mind, beyond me, was making me yearn and crave him and now I realize it was the enemy. God has a plan for us and the enemy has a plan for us. There is constant warfare for our lives. The enemy used this relationship to distract me from God and trust me it did, but not for much longer.

Continue reading “Ungodly Soul Ties & Sacrifice”

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Ungodly Soul Ties

Kydee williamsSoul Ties have been on my mind and heart for a while now, but very strongly this past weekend. I learned about soul ties about three years ago. I was actually weaning myself off of one when someone told me what it was. The strong feelings associated with this person no longer being in my life made sense now. I wasn’t crazy. I was in a soul tie! Throughout this post, I am going to share some of the things I’ve learned about soul ties along with my own personal experiences.

To start, there are two types of soul ties, an Ungodly Soul Tie, and a Godly Soul tie. For the purposes of this post, I am going to focus on the Ungodly Soul Tie. As always, expect complete transparency.

Soul ties represent a bond. These bonds or soul bonds are created through people and things. What normally ends up happening is that you become dependent and attached to them. The deeper the bond, the more difficult it is to break. Sometimes we don’t know how tied we are to someone or something until it’s time to give it up.

I was with someone for about 9-years. Now, if we are going to be real, I was only really with them in a relationship for about 4-years. The other 5-years we were in a “friends with benefits” arrangement. When it was time to break away from him, no one around me understood why it was so hard for me to do so:

“Yall broke up years ago, why do you still care about him?”

“He’s moved on and so should you!”

“That was just puppy love… that shouldn’t matter now.”

Their responses were callous. They didn’t understand how much it hurt to let this person go. I depended on him. I called him whenever something was going right or wrong and he was there for me. I sought his approval. I LOVED him. More importantly, they didn’t understand that I was in a soul tie so strong that it couldn’t easily be cured with a Girl’s Night Out or meeting someone new, it was deep. It was spiritual. It was warfare.

There are various ways a soul tie can form:

Continue reading “Ungodly Soul Ties”

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I Will Not Settle When It Comes To Love

I am going to be really real right now and in my world, things are only real when I write it down. I love, love. I want to be in love. I want to get married. I want to have a splendid wedding. I want to have 1-2 children (Maybe just 1). I want to grow old with my husband, so old, I rub his big potbelly when we are 80 and find that sexy. I’ve wanted these things since I was old enough to remember. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, and I would sometimes ask God why he made me this way?

When I was 12-years old I started planning my wedding. I still have the binder filled with my chicken scratch of my future wedding plans. My friend Nikki is my witness; she was on the phone with me creating her own outline for the perfect wedding. I want to get married on a beautiful island or on a beautiful estate. I want the wedding to be such a love fest, there will be no dry eyes in sight. I never really wanted bridesmaids like that—I have so many great friends it would be hard to choose, plus I’ve always thought they were unnecessary (Thank You Gabbi and D-Wade for showing me I’m not alone). For my reception, I will change my dress of course, into something form-fitting and comfortable. Most importantly, the party won’t stop. I don’t want a reception that’s only 2-hours. This will be a celebration, so we are partying and drinking all night!

I am writing this down because I don’t want to ever forget this. Sometimes, in life, we forget the things that we always dreamed of and we settle. We meet someone, we know they may not want the same things that we want, and just for the sake of finding someone or not being lonely, we settle for what they have to give. Well, I am saying today, I don’t want to settle. I don’t want no mediocre love over here. I want, what I want!

The following things are sources of inspiration that remind me that I can find the love that I want and never settle for mediocre love. Hope it can be a form of encouragement for you as well:

1.Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade’s Wedding: This post is inspired by this wedding video. I watched it and realized I love their wedding. I know it sounds surface and superficial but it’s not. You know how girls do, when we get into a relationship—we automatically think “could he be the one?” I do this all the time. In my last relationship, we talked about marriage a few times and I felt like I would have to compromise what I wanted because we didn’t have the funds to do something elaborate right now. Now I am realizing, I never want to do that ever again.

Continue reading “I Will Not Settle When It Comes To Love”

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Listen to Your Heart

Love yourself enough to know when its time to walk away…

I know a woman who wanted to be in a relationship. The pressure from those around her was getting too deep. Friends questioned why she was still single and why she didn’t give dating a chance. Their judgment pierced her heart. She didn’t let them know, but it hurt. She felt perfectly fine discovering who she was spiritually, mentally, and professionally. She was making great strides in her life and she took pride in working her way up the success ladder. But all of that didn’t matter to them because she didn’t have a man to validate her.

One day, when she least expected it she met a guy. He saw her in the midst of a sea of women and wanted her. She was flattered. He wasn’t the type of guy she normally went for, but she was open-minded and his persistence was admirable. Turns out, he was exactly who she was looking for. He was educated, ambitious, and he understood her. It took a certain type of man to understand the type of woman she was but he did. Within a few months of talking, they knew a relationship was the next step and made it official. She was on cloud nine. Could this be her husband? Things were great until things weren’t great.

This relationship became a problem when she realized that he struggled with a problem. She went to his house one evening and his overzealousness was an indication that he had been drinking. Continue reading “Listen to Your Heart”

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Making New Friends as an Adult

Why is it that we have this no new friends mentality? I absolutely love meeting new people. I have a lot of friends as it is, but it doesn’t hurt to know more. Sometimes I look at the strange faces on the train and it hits me, I don’t know a thing about these people and I probably never will, but for 20 minutes we share the same train car on the way to work; who are they? what are their dreams? what makes them different? Unfortunately, I will never know the answer, not because I can’t just walk up to them and ask (because I can), but social norms tell me not to.

Growing up making friends came naturally to me, but as I got older I became more reserved. It’s something I need to work on because I understand the value of friendships and shared interests as an adult, both personally and professionally.  I found this video on Buzzfeed and it warmed my heart. As someone said in the video, the first step to building new friendships as an adult is pushing your ego aside and admitting that you want new friends. Check the video out below:

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A Mother’s Love

I am one of those people who love, love. Since I could remember, I’ve been a sucker for love. Maybe it was the Disney movies, or maybe it’s a gift God birthed me with, but I couldn’t wait to be in love. Growing up, I was the girl that everyone liked, but I wasn’t “that girl” that all the guys were drooling over. I was quirky, a little awkward and quite different-which meant Valentine’s Day for me until age 15 was inexistent.

Each year that would pass by leaving me without a valentine made me feel a bit empty. Can you imagine, even as a child I had these feelings of inadequacy? My mom eventually discovered this and surprised me every valentine’s day since I could remember with a gift. One year it was chocolates and Hello Kitty Pajamas (I still wear the Pajamas) another year it was a beautiful pink robe. She instilled in me that even if no one else acknowledged their love for me she loved me. I didn’t understand the value of this when I was younger. I just thought I was a loser who didn’t have a secret admirer but now I get it and I love her for it.

Happy Valentines Day!

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Relationship Weight

I tried on a pair of jeans that used to be big for me in the summer. They’re boyfriend jeans, which tend to be baggy. I got the jeans on one leg, and then the other but pulling them past my thighs was a problem. They no longer fit me! I gained weight. My friend coined it relationship weight. Sometimes when you embark on a new relationship, you gain unnecessary weight and I have all the signs and symptoms of getting too comfortable and picking up unhealthy eating habits.

Sign #1-I canceled my Gym Membership

Relationship or not, I would’ve canceled my gym membership because I don’t particularly like going to the gym in the winter; I don’t like it when the brisk air hits you while walking out of the gym all hot and sweaty, it’s a terrible mixture of temperatures. I would much rather be cuddled up in my blanket watching reruns of “Living Single.” However, I do spend a lot more time with my significant other, which takes away from the time I could be at a gym so there you have it, faux pas number one.

Sign #2-Date More. Eat More.

It seems like when you’re in a relationship all you guys do is eat. You go on dates and eat, you spend the night in and eat. I’ve never eaten so much take-out in my life.

Sign #3 Comfort & Compliments

The compliments from my boyfriend are endless, and no I don’t get tired of them. His acknowledgment of my beauty makes me feel great but I’ve gotten too comfortable. He may “love me the way I am” but it’s never a good idea to lose self-control because of the validation you are getting from someone else.

The first step is acknowledging that I have a problem. I came to this conclusion last week when I ate 3-cartons of Ben and Jerry Red Velvet Ice Cream without a care in the world. I am losing self-control and I know it, but I will bounce back. Being healthy is so important, and I have to find ways to remain healthy while in a relationship or else…

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Getting To Know Someone…Again

To some people, one of the most annoying things about meeting someone new is the process of getting to know them. I have to admit, I used to feel this way but ever since I met my boyfriend, getting to know him is one of the most pivotal (and fun) times in our relationship. In a sense, we are setting a foundation for the rest of the relationship by dictating our likes and dislikes, standards, and deal-breakers.

I kept my standards high waiting for the moment when my Prince Charming would whisk me off my feet and that kind-of-sort-of happened. He noticed me at a party/concert we both attended and asked if he could put me on his shoulders. I said sure, why not? He picked me up but I landed on his bald head. He asked for a second chance but I told him absolutely not. The whole thing was pretty awkward until he asked for my number and continued on with his night. I did the same.

I thought about him; wondered if he would contact me but didn’t think anything of our exchange. Yes, his approach was like no other. I mean, no one has ever asked me if they could put me on their shoulders which is why he stuck out in my head, but aside from that, I wasn’t interested in getting to know someone new. I was sick of the whole dating scene. I just wanted to be single.

He contacted me a couple of days later and I found out he was a special-education teacher, he received his degree from Boston College, his masters from Pace University and he was from Harlem. Although I was open to meeting someone new, I was not excited about it (in spite of his credentials). He was persistent and after a few weeks of texting, we talked on the phone and sparks flew. Was this the guy I was waiting for my whole life? Our conversation was effortless. We talked for 3-hours and would’ve talked longer if I didn’t have to jump on a conference call. Every day leading up to our first date was filled with great conversation. Everything was new and fresh and we wanted to know everything about one another.

So we came up with 21 questions for each other. We each thought of random questions to ask one another to elicit conversation. Some of his questions dealt with the future he wanted to build with someone, while mine focused on who he was at his core. These questions proved to be helpful conversation starters but that wasn’t something we had issues with anyway. We enjoyed talking to one another and no question or topic was ever off-limits.

In the case of my boyfriend, I don’t mind getting to know him because he’s special and I’m really into him. If I could know everything about his past I would because when you like someone you just want to know everything about their lives.

(Or maybe that’s just me)

Some helpful conversation starters:

  1. Name, Age, Where did you grow up?
  2. What are your views on love?
  3. Do you believe sex before marriage is wrong?
  4. Are you spiritual? What is your religion?
  5. Do you want to get married? When?
  6. What do you fear about commitment?
  7. What do you love about settling down?
  8. Do you drink? Smoke?
  9. Have you ever cheated?
  10. What led to the demise of your past relationship?
  11. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?
  12. Do you have a lot of friends? Who is your best friend?
  13. Do you have children? Do you want children?
  14. Where do you work? Have you discovered what you always wanted to do?
  15. What are your interests? Passions? hobbies? Typical Friday night for you?
  16. Do you live alone? with family?
  17. Where do you go to school?
  18. How often do you believe date nights should be?
  19. Do you travel? Where have you traveled to?
  20. What would you have done differently in your last relationship?
  21. How important is health and fitness in your life?