Life is Ambivalent

The 52 List Project (10)

Life is ambivalent. There is a time for everything, according to Ecclesiastes 3. My notion of life has left me with conflicting feelings this past year. Let me explain why.

A few months before turning 30, I met someone. After spending years of writing in my journal and praying about the type of partner I wanted, he appeared when I least expected and where I least expected as well. Up until a week before meeting him, I have a note in my phone exclaiming “I wonder what my future partner is doing right now. Who is he? What are his fears? What are his goals? Will I recognize him? The story of how we met is one I will save for the future, but from the start, we both knew we wanted to be intentional. He was truly a blessing and the first of a wave of change and answered prayers in my life. A few months after that, I celebrated an epic 30th birthday with my friends and family and when I returned from my travels, I was officially promoted. When I became a Manager of a department at a major TV network, my colleagues thought it was meteoric. For me, it meant the world and I was excited but I wouldn’t use the words meteoric. You see, when I broke into the media industry, I had worked for a financial technology company for five years as the CEO’s assistant. I did not want to be an assistant anymore, but I was having a hard time breaking into media, so I had to start over, in this new industry as an assistant….again. To learn more, watch my Career Journey video. Throughout this whole time, I wondered if I would ever escape the entry-level administrative role and move into management. I was afraid that I was being pigeonholed and that assisting was going to be my fate. But after 7-years, I moved up and was on the track to being an executive, which is my ultimate goal. 5+2=7 and 7 is the biblical year of completion. This was a cause for the utmost celebration, but I barely told a soul. I was afraid. Fear seeped into me and told me it was not real; that It would be taken from me at any moment.

In the midst of this immense harvest season, I was simultaneously dealing with three sick immediate family members. Two out of three dealing with cancer, radiation, and hospitals. Hearing someone you love ail in pain every night and there’s nothing you can do about it is agonizing. This pain resulted in a loss of a few friendships because I did not have room for anyone who added more of an emotional burden on my life. It was just that simple.

These conflicting situations are the epitome of ambivalence in life. I was unhappy when all of the things I prayed for came to fruition. I felt guilty about celebrating when I had a sick family member back at home. I thought the good that I had would be removed from my life the minute I got too comfortable with it. I developed a skeptic mindset. But skepticism shows a lack of faith. I wish I had the solution but I am still working through this. Sometimes acknowledging there is a disconnect is the first step towards building in an area that you are weak in. That weak area for me is understanding that with God, no matter how bad the situation is, he always works things out for good…so celebrate through the good and celebrate through the not so good. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 we are told to, “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” It’s going to take a lot of spiritual maturity for me to fully grasp this concept but I am working on it.

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