Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties

IMG_0563-1Like many women, when I meet a guy that I actually like, I allow my mind to create a whirlwind of thoughts for what our perfect relationship would look like. Some might call these thoughts fantasies, which is completely normal and healthy. We all have them, don’t we? Well, according to Psychology Today:

“Fantasies are not frivolous. They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, even arousing, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality…”

As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality. As women, it’s pretty hard to meet someone we are really into and not have some sort of expectation for the future. That’s like telling someone, let’s go to Disney World but don’t expect to go on the rides. In saying this, I want to touch on this idea of fantasies and the false hope that it brings about; I am encouraged to tie this in with my series on soul ties. As with all of my soul ties post, I am about to get real, I am going to expose some of my vulnerabilities and you all might think I am completely insane, but that’s okay.

Side Note: I am a Pisces, and even though I am not into that astrology stuff anymore, Pisces tend to be dreamers, we want the happy endings, we believe in the good of all people. When I think of us, I can imagine that we would be content skipping through a big field of sunflowers, catching butterflies and enjoying the fresh air and sunlight. So please don’t judge me. Like for real, what I am about to say sounds even crazy to me.

Continue reading “Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties”

Ungodly Soul Ties & Sacrifice

Kydee Williams SelfieMy confidence was developed through letting go of a lot of ungodly soul ties and working on loving myself. For so long I sought validation from the men in my life. I was even surprised that they saw something in me that I’d never seen in myself, and because they did, I wanted to hold on tight. I am looking at this picture and I am remembering a time when I was a teenager and would never be able to take a picture like this. I hated my profile (the structure of the side of my face). It reminded me that I had big chubby cheeks, like a chipmunk, that looked nothing like the fierce bone structure of the models in magazines. I would sometimes (not often), avoid mirrors because of my growing pains and insecurity and these kinds of feelings about yourself is no recipe to pursue a relationship. You should never go into a relationship half empty, looking for your partner to complete you; through experience, I’ve learned that it just doesn’t work.

In my first post on Ungodly Soul Ties, I talked about the strongest soul tie that I had, and I am definitely going to address that some more in subsequent posts, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t address another ungodly soul tie that I had while in college (that I often try to forget). If I was insecure as a teen, this soul tie, plummeted my esteem to a new all-time low. I was in what some would now call a “situationship.” A situationship is a relationship without the title of being in one. I was determined to be his girlfriend but he wasn’t the “commitment type.” Unfortunately for me, I was giving him all of the benefits of a girlfriend without having the actual title and although I wasn’t okay with that, I stayed with him. My soul was connected to him and would stay like that for about three years. I was hypnotized by him and no matter what I did, I could not shake him. Getting hurt by him began to feel normal. It must have been a feeling I yearned since I kept going back for more. This time in my life could be characterized by absolute chaos, confusion, and abandonment. The relationship worked around him, when he called, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted to drive to see me, and when he didn’t feel like doing any of those things, I waited until he did. One day, after two long years of the back and forth, I had enough. He spent the weekend with me, and I was sick of not being “enough” for him. I was trying to convince this man that could do nothing for me, that I was the one he should be with and he stood firm in his non-committal status. Meanwhile, I had my whole life ahead of me (I was only a few weeks away from being a college graduate), I would soon be working and pursuing a career and through all of that, I still pursued this relationship. I knew, when he walked out of my apartment that day, it was the end of us and sure enough, it was.

I want to make something very clear, if anything was an ungodly soul tie, this relationship was it. I was distracted from God because of him. I stopped going to church (partially because I was in Pennsylvania and there weren’t any churches I would’ve wanted to go to out there but also because I wasn’t interested). I would wake up and think about him. I remember being in math class and before the lesson started, I was thinking about him. When I went out with my friends I would think about him. It was really a trance, that’s how I used to explain it to my friends. I would want to be out of the situation but some sort of power of the mind, beyond me, was making me yearn and crave him and now I realize it was the enemy. God has a plan for us and the enemy has a plan for us. There is constant warfare for our lives. The enemy used this relationship to distract me from God and trust me it did, but not for much longer.

Continue reading “Ungodly Soul Ties & Sacrifice”

Listen to Your Heart

Love yourself enough to know when its time to walk away…

I know a woman who wanted to be in a relationship. The pressure from those around her was getting too deep. Friends questioned why she was still single and why she didn’t give dating a chance. Their judgment pierced her heart. She didn’t let them know, but it hurt. She felt perfectly fine discovering who she was spiritually, mentally, and professionally. She was making great strides in her life and she took pride in working her way up the success ladder. But all of that didn’t matter to them because she didn’t have a man to validate her.

One day, when she least expected it she met a guy. He saw her in the midst of a sea of women and wanted her. She was flattered. He wasn’t the type of guy she normally went for, but she was open-minded and his persistence was admirable. Turns out, he was exactly who she was looking for. He was educated, ambitious, and he understood her. It took a certain type of man to understand the type of woman she was but he did. Within a few months of talking, they knew a relationship was the next step and made it official. She was on cloud nine. Could this be her husband? Things were great until things weren’t great.

This relationship became a problem when she realized that he struggled with a problem. She went to his house one evening and his overzealousness was an indication that he had been drinking. Continue reading “Listen to Your Heart”

You Are Worthy To Be Praised!

I found the original recording to my favorite song ever. I heard it for the first time last year when I started attending Tuesday night prayer meetings at my church, The Brooklyn Tabernacle. A warmth came over me. I couldn’t help but cry and lift my hands up high. Feelings of unworthiness overcame me. My knees slowly dropped to the floor.

You are Alpha and Omega

We worship you our lord

You are worthy to be praised

We give you all the glory

Just four simple lines to a beautiful hymn changed my life. My whole walk with Christ was reformed because of the anointing on this song. He loves us so much. I felt reassured watching others in this video with the same reaction as I have when hearing this; uncontrollable tears every single time. There’s something about this record. Not even Israel Houghton could get through his own song. Now you know there’s power in it. I give God all the glory; He saved me. He loves me.

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Asceticism

It’s been a year since I got baptized and the process has not been easy. I got baptized partially because I knew it was something I had to do to remain active in my church but also because I was ready to proclaim my relationship with Jesus Christ publicly. I was afraid. Apart of me felt pressured. I wasn’t ready to give up certain pleasures and behaviors. I didn’t know how to be the “perfect” Christian. The fact that I would think I had to become the perfect Christian once baptized is proof of my ignorance about its significance.

After classes and interviews to make sure that I was ready, the day came; it was time. I felt the presence of God during my baptism ceremony. An overwhelming warmth and burst of tears solidified he was there with me. Even before getting dunked in the water, I knew at that moment my past was forgiven and it has never haunted me again.

Yet, after my baptism, the tests and trials began. Everything that I have ever stood for came to a halt this year. I gave up on myself and gave myself up. I became weak. I became lonely. I gave into temptation time and time again despite the feelings of conviction I had. I didn’t know who I was becoming. I was a functioning wreck without self-control. I no longer knew how to defend my beliefs because I was confused myself. What did I believe in? Was I still an advocate for celibacy? Did I believe in saving yourself before marriage or did I only believe it because someone told me I should? I began talking to old boyfriends. Boyfriends I clearly left in the past because their beliefs did not align with my own. I resented singlehood. I began to feel lonely and unworthy of a relationship. I let thoughts plague my head about being alone and a spinster forever. I gossiped. Loved celebrity gossip too much and reveled in the latest “tea.” I had no self-control; no inhibitions. I did things in the dark hoping it wouldn’t come to light. I was far from the perfect Christian. I struggled more after my baptism than I’d ever done in my whole walk with Christ. I was a sinner. I am a sinner.

I’m not perfect. I believe we sometimes go through these things to have an amazing story to tell that would one day inspire others. I am thinking I went through these things to share with believers that it’s not easy. The more you step forward in the light, the more the devil tries to bring you back into the dark. The closer I got to God the further I was from him.

Asceticism is the practice of severe self-discipline and abstention from all forms of indulgence, typically for religious reasons. This is my overall goal in year 2. I want to practice self-disciple and techniques in defeating the devil when prompted to give in to desires and temptations. However, there are other compartments in life that can teach lessons on self-control and I want to build on that as well:

First I will start with food. I come from the school of thought where we only have one life to live, so why deprive yourself of good food. Yet, as satisfying as this mentality maybe, I have no self-control. I eat brownies in the morning and dinner after 10PM. If I create some sort of control in my eating habits, it will resonate with me spiritually as well.

Secondly, waking up in the morning. I am a snoozer. I will set the alarm for 6:45AM and will not get out of bed until 7:45AM. I need to start waking up when the alarm goes off, no excuses.

Lastly, I want to be intentional with the amount of time I spend with God. Sometimes we let the hustle and bustle of life get in the way with our relationship with God and that’s unacceptable. If I know I can’t go to bed without reading the word, marinating on his blessings and teachings and saying a prayer then I will carve out the time throughout the day to spend with God. No excuses.

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