My confidence was developed through letting go of a lot of ungodly soul ties and working on loving myself. For so long I sought validation from the men in my life. I was even surprised that they saw something in me that I’d never seen in myself, and because they did, I wanted to hold on tight. I am looking at this picture and I am remembering a time when I was a teenager and would never be able to take a picture like this. I hated my profile (the structure of the side of my face). It reminded me that I had big chubby cheeks, like a chipmunk, that looked nothing like the fierce bone structure of the models in magazines. I would sometimes (not often), avoid mirrors because of my growing pains and insecurity and these kinds of feelings about yourself is no recipe to pursue a relationship. You should never go into a relationship half empty, looking for your partner to complete you; through experience, I’ve learned that it just doesn’t work.
In my first post on Ungodly Soul Ties, I talked about the strongest soul tie that I had, and I am definitely going to address that some more in subsequent posts, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t address another ungodly soul tie that I had while in college (that I often try to forget). If I was insecure as a teen, this soul tie, plummeted my esteem to a new all-time low. I was in what some would now call a “situationship.” A situationship is a relationship without the title of being in one. I was determined to be his girlfriend but he wasn’t the “commitment type.” Unfortunately for me, I was giving him all of the benefits of a girlfriend without having the actual title and although I wasn’t okay with that, I stayed with him. My soul was connected to him and would stay like that for about three years. I was hypnotized by him and no matter what I did, I could not shake him. Getting hurt by him began to feel normal. It must have been a feeling I yearned since I kept going back for more. This time in my life could be characterized by absolute chaos, confusion, and abandonment. The relationship worked around him, when he called, when he wanted to talk, when he wanted to drive to see me, and when he didn’t feel like doing any of those things, I waited until he did. One day, after two long years of the back and forth, I had enough. He spent the weekend with me, and I was sick of not being “enough” for him. I was trying to convince this man that could do nothing for me, that I was the one he should be with and he stood firm in his non-committal status. Meanwhile, I had my whole life ahead of me (I was only a few weeks away from being a college graduate), I would soon be working and pursuing a career and through all of that, I still pursued this relationship. I knew, when he walked out of my apartment that day, it was the end of us and sure enough, it was.
I want to make something very clear, if anything was an ungodly soul tie, this relationship was it. I was distracted from God because of him. I stopped going to church (partially because I was in Pennsylvania and there weren’t any churches I would’ve wanted to go to out there but also because I wasn’t interested). I would wake up and think about him. I remember being in math class and before the lesson started, I was thinking about him. When I went out with my friends I would think about him. It was really a trance, that’s how I used to explain it to my friends. I would want to be out of the situation but some sort of power of the mind, beyond me, was making me yearn and crave him and now I realize it was the enemy. God has a plan for us and the enemy has a plan for us. There is constant warfare for our lives. The enemy used this relationship to distract me from God and trust me it did, but not for much longer.
So now, with everything going on, I knew I had a sacrifice to make. I could stay in this situationship that was bringing me more harm than good or I could say forget what your mind and your heart are feeling and do what you have to do for you. I recently learned that Abraham in the bible had a similar decision to make as well. In teaching by Bishop T.D Jakes, he talks about Soul Ties and the sacrifice you have to make to break them by referencing Abraham. Abraham was in a soul tie with Hagar, his wife Sarah’s servant. Sarah gave Abraham permission to sleep with Hagar and have a child with her but once this happened she became jealous. Abraham developed a soul tie for Hagar and had to sacrifice Ishmael, his firstborn son, and Hagar, his lover, to fulfill the greater purpose that God had for his life. I also chose to make the sacrifice in order for God to fulfill the greater purpose he had for my life.
Getting rid of this soul tie was not easy. I saw a Penn State therapist, which helped me talk everything out and once I heard myself speak about how I was treated, I realized how much more I deserved. I stayed at Penn State for a few weeks after I graduated so I could clear my mind and exercise. I went jogging and hiking every day and my motivation was to get fit so that I could start feeling good about myself again. Most importantly, I began to go to church. That day he left my apartment, I hit rock bottom. Up until that point, I avoided God for so long. My soul was spent and empty. I called on him to help get me through this time and to heal my heart because I could feel the pain of it breaking. My heart literally hurt, and it would be many months before it began to feel normal again, but thank God it did.
During this time of purging this soul tie, I found out that he moved on to a new woman, his girlfriend, and they were now living together and traveling as well. The same man that spent years telling me he didn’t want a relationship was now in a relationship. That was all I needed to see and know that I had to delete him from all social media platforms and cut off all communication with him. I never wanted to see him again, no matter how much it hurt; he would have to be erased!
Erasing him from my memory was beginning to work fine, until he called me one day, out of the blue, saying he needed my help. That day I saw him and helped him out. He asked me if we could remain, friends, as he was leaving my apartment and I told him NO. I told him I forgave him and wished him all the best in his endeavors but I did not want his friendship. It was the last time I ever saw him. The powerful thing about this situation was that once I told him I forgave him, I really meant it and a huge burden was lifted off of me. I continued on with my journey to loving myself.
As I was looking at this picture (as vain as this #selfie might look) I see a woman who is now confident and sure of herself. Once I was able to drop the toxicity and sacrifice what my flesh wanted (him) for what my spirit wanted (God), my life was taken to new heights. I was granted peace; I no longer wake up with that feeling of a broken heart and soul. I was granted favor. God has blessed me with a job. He has allowed me to travel the world and he helped me tap into all of my passions. He restored me. And now the most important relationship in my life is with him, which is priceless.
P.S. it’s important for me to get all of this “stuff” out. When we keep things in, the enemy uses it against us as a means of attack. Micah ch. 7: 8-10 says “Do not rejoice over me my enemy, though I have fallen I will rise. Though I have sit in darkness the Lord will be my light…he will bring me out into the light and I will see his righteousness.”
Not only do I want to help people, but I want to help myself because you can’t expect to find success in any relationship still holding on to baggage from your past.