I Lied About My Age…

What are you like 24?

Her question stopped me in my tracks. I haven’t had an issue with my age until turning 27. I actually resented people who lied about their age, just to appeal to others, that is until I became one of those people.

No. I’m not 24.

Then how old are you?

Ummm (Soft Whisper) 26.

See you’re 26? You’re still really young.

The thing is, 3-months prior to this conversation, I turned 27, and have been dealing with the ramifications of being so close to age 30 ever since. So much so, that I lied. I really try not to lie anymore, especially for something as trivial as age but the guilt of my lie consumed me for the whole day. This situation illustrated to me that I was not comfortable with who I was and what I’ve done so far in my life and that’s never a good feeling. I was being super hard on myself and was not looking at my blessings and all that I’ve attained but only focusing on what has not happened…yet.

Yes, I know I have my whole life ahead of me and I’m still very young. I understand this more than anyone. But the pressure is falling hard on me. I am 27-years old and I still don’t feel like I have it even remotely figured out. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know my career route (the one that I will eventually choose) won’t be straight and narrow and that fear of possibly having to struggle scares me. I have not taken the plunge yet because I am too comfortable in my current situation, and these realizations are making me freak out. But what scares me, even more, is waking up one day as a middle-aged person and having regrets of not chasing after my dreams and taking risks. Complacency is my biggest fear of all.

The Bright Side of Rejection

Rejection. I hate it. I can’t deal with it and I know it’s one of my biggest deterrents in life. So recently, when I got rejected by something, I decided to partake in activities during my pity party which included making a list of all the times I was rejected starting from when I was 10-years old. It was so ridiculous. (Sometimes being a blogger sucks because I have to reveal things about myself that are borderline embarrassing). Nevertheless, although I wanted this activity to bring more grief to my already forsaken mood, it actually brought on a revelation that I’d never even considered before that moment.

Revelation: Each time I was rejected, something better, greater, more fit for me, came out of it and the moral of the story is…I turned out okay.

When I was 10-years old, I was rejected by Prep for Prep, which is a program for underprivileged students to attend private school. I thought it would make me look like I was not smart, but in reality, I turned out fine and I excelled in public school.

When I was applying to college, I was rejected by my dream school Spelman. I thought it was the end of the world, but I enjoyed my wacky time at Penn State and met some of my best friends.

When I graduated, I couldn’t find a job for the life of me. It was so bad, I was rejected by the clothing store Uniqlo. Eventually, I found a job and it’s been an amazing ride.

Throughout life, I’ve been rejected. Whether it was from boys, schools, or professional/social groups. I know essentially the rejection felt like a failure, but putting things into perspective, it needed to happen to make way for something better to come into my life.

If you’re feeling defeated by rejection, I  can only hope that you will not let it limit you. Put things into perspective and consider that maybe something way better is on the way into your life.

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27th Birthday Brunch

I always tell myself I don’t want to make a fuss over my birthday and then it comes around and I realize how important it is to take advantage of celebrating yourself. So I did. This year started out on a rocky note, with me losing my hearing while in South Africa. As a result, it was important for me to celebrate life. I had my brunch at Il Bastardo, an Italian restaurant where you can drink out of champagne bottles with straws. It was a 90s themed brunch since I absolutely love the 90s. All of my guests left with a “You Are A Badass” book by Jen Sincero because it was one of the books that I read while I was sick to encourage me to get going again.

After brunch, my friends and I went to an art exhibit followed by another party at Studio 21 which was a blast. We spent the rest of the night dancing to all of my favorite songs new and old. But a night out wouldn’t be complete without the relentless search for food at midnight. We found a cozy Mexican restaurant where we shared arroz con pollo and fajitas. T’was a good night.

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Workplace Improv

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I revealed to one of my friends in my TV writing class how much I hated networking. For context, I can go on a stage, in a room full of people and speak but I cannot go up to an individual and say “Hello my name is Kydee, what’s your name…” the whole ordeal freaks me out.

She suggested that I take an Improv class for my networking fright. What it does, is put you in situations, where you have to think on your toes and essentially you start to loosen up, become more comfortable, and even break out of your shell. Her advice stayed with me for months, and then one day out of the blue I received an email from the Women’s Forum at my job about an after-work opportunity to do professional improv. Exciting! I am a new member of the Women’s Forum so not only would it give me the opportunity to meet new people at my company but it would also allow me to test the waters with Improv.

My overall feedback on the event? I loved it.

Improv encouraged a supportive environment that allowed me to be myself. One of the first things we had to do was introduce ourselves to everyone in the room by walking up to them and finding interesting ways to say hello. This made us comfortable with one another and shattered the walls we tend to build in a work environment.

Our next task as a group was to stand in a circle and create a story that actually made sense, with everyone contributing one word; So the first person says Apples, the next person says Are, and the final person says Great. Thus, the sentence Apples-Are-Great forms. It was kind of like the game Telephone. People were not paying attention and adding in words that didn’t make sense, which highlighted that we have to really listen to one another in the workplace or else, you will miss out on valuable information and lose momentum.

In an interesting turn of events, the instructor asked us to get our cell phones and find a partner. Person A was supposed to tell a story about their morning. Person B was supposed to check their emails and do all the interesting things they could do on their cell phones while Person A was talking. I was Person A, talking about my morning, I shared how hard it was to get a seat on the train, the things I read while on the train, and how delicious my breakfast was. Person B, my partner, looked attentive, but she was checking her emails and doing a whole list of other things. When it was time for her to repeat my story, she missed all of the major details that I wanted her to catch. This exercise illustrated Radical Presence. When we talk to people we should try to be present, and give people our attention, no matter how good we “think” we are at multi-tasking. Cell phones are a distraction, and we may miss major details if we are on our phones checking emails and not fully listening to the conversation happening right in front of us.

One of the last activities we did was “Yes And.” Again with a partner, we had to pick a topic (of course I chose travel), and we had to talk about that topic with our partner, each of us taking turns by saying “Yes And”. So the conversation went something like “I love to travel,” my partner then said “Yes and I love to travel and take long flights,” Then I said, “Yes and I love to take long flights to Europe…” You get the idea.

However, the next part of the exercise was the “Yes But” portion; my partner would say something, still on the topic of travel and I would counter her, with “Yes but” for example, I proceeded to say “London is really cool” and then my partner said “Yes but it rains a lot” and then I said, “Yes but it rains in New York too” etc…Once the exercise was over we explained to the group the feeling we had when someone said “Yes And” vs. “Yes But”. It honestly felt better having someone add to my ideas and statements as opposed to negating it every second. It’s kind of like them saying what I have to say is not valid enough to be acknowledged. Our instructor encouraged us to be mindful of our words especially in the work setting and ended the class allowing us to reflect on the most valuable lessons we learned.

This experience was awesome. I realized a couple of things that I do that might hinder me as a professional. One of those things is eye contact. Sometimes my eyes are all over the place. Eye contact is so important especially in the workplace because it shows that you are secure and essentially illustrates your strength. Another takeaway was watching how I speak to people. I want to build them up not tear them down. I left the event feeling empowered. The climb up the corporate ladder is a long one, especially for someone like me who has no manual on navigating the corporate landscape. I am learning everything as I go. However, I am open to these situations, as strange as they may seem because it helps me to grow not only as a professional but an individual.

If  you’re interested in this opportunity for your company and you’re based in the New York area feel free to reach out to Open Act:

Open Act seeks to level the playing field for students attending NYC’s most underserved schools by offering opportunities to develop leadership, community, and commitment through it’s innovative, long term, free after school theater programs.  www.openact.org  /+1-646-418-7088

You Are A Badass [Book Review + Giveaway]

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I am not a self-help fanatic. Well, maybe once upon a time I was, but now, I feel like I have a grasp on my life. All my self-help answers come from the bible as cliché as that might sound. However, I’ve been seeing You Are Badass by Jen Sincero all over (from Instagram to the shelves of Barnes and Noble and Urban Outfitters). My favorite bloggers and YouTubers swear by this book, so I decided to give it a chance. I always need a little push in the right direction and to be told that I am as bad as they come! (Pun intended).

The book is written in an amicable tone that makes the reader feel like he/she is good friends with the author. Sincero shares her own personal story in each of the chapters, getting very intimate about her life’s triumphs and shortcomings. Jenn encourages her readers to give back to others and to dream big. She ends each of the chapters with a few practical tips on applying her advice to your real life.

This book encouraged me more than I could’ve imagined. Sometimes I fight success and hinder my full potential because I am constantly in my head. However, this book gave me the kick that I needed. Stop procrastinating, follow your passions, and become successful—as simple as that. It also made me realize that I need to speak faith and positivity over my life. If you believe it then you can achieve it.

One of the best activities to do in this book is to create a mantra. Simply put, I wrote about my dream life as if I am already living it, so it was written in the present tense but it hasn’t happened yet. What it allowed me to do was declare greatness for my future. This exercise was actually powerful. I got really giddy thinking about how awesome my life is going to turn out just by writing it down and having faith that my hopes and dreams may one day come true.

This book made me view money differently as well. I think I’ve fallen into the philosophy of believing that money is the root of all evil, for many reasons I find this to be true, but the author made me confront my issues with money and helped me change the way in which I view it. When I see success for my life, there’s also a monetary component of it, so if I view money negatively, how will I invite more of it into my life? Does that make sense? It did while I was reading the book.

My only critique and this is a big one, is that she gives God, the almighty, alpha + omega a nickname called “Source Energy.” I wanted to dislike her because of her audacity. I think she was trying to make people who don’t necessarily believe in God comfortable with the idea of her talking about spirituality; maybe I just revere God so much that I am not comfortable with people dancing around the fact that they are believers. I know why she did it, but it just didn’t sit well with me. I also didn’t like that she credits the “universe” for everything that goes right and wrong with life either. It was too weird for me. If God is the creator of the universe why are we giving credit to the universe and not to God? Ok, enough of my rant.

I have an extra copy of this book. If interested, all you have to do is:

1. Follow Lifestylebyky.com blog

2. Follow my Twitter @bykyblogs &Instagram @lifestylebyky

3. Comment below when you’ve done both by Tuesday, April 5, 2016!

 

Follow Lifestylebyky.com blog

Instagram @lifestylebyky

Twitter @bykyblogs

 

 

Colorism

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The below excerpt is my first attempt at writing about the issue of Colorism, during my sophomore year in college. I’ll share with you the first three pages of this 20-page research paper. This essay along with a few others eventually helped me win the Excellence in Communication Award at Penn State. If you decide you would like to read more about Colorism, please read the book The Color Complex, it’s one of the most thought-provoking books I’ve ever read regarding this issue:

Colorism

April 2008

If you’re black get back/if you’re brown stick around/ if your light you’re all right.

Being Black or being White has historically separated people in America and around the world but what many people fail to realize or even acknowledge is a gap has been bridged within the black race as a result of the differentiation and discrimination based on skin tones. Colorism is the coined word to describe the dirty little secret that our community perpetuates through its idealizations of Eurocentric beauty standards and denouncement of Afrocentric standards of beauty. Skin complexion, hair type, and body image have always been conscious issues for African American’s but it is the root of self-loathing and low self-esteem as well. This form of intra-racism has proved to be psychologically detrimental to African Americans’ sense of self. Colorism is immoral, unethical, and undeniably one of the reasons why black people do not feel accepted within their own race. It promotes insecurity and inequality because people are no longer being judged by their intelligence or capabilities; they are being judged by the lightness or darkness of their skin. If we are going to successfully progress into a bright future we need to learn and understand our history. If more African Americans took the time to understand their troubled past they would understand that colorism is essentially a construct and does not dictate the type of person you are, nor does it dictate your self-worth. Understanding the dark history behind colorism is one of the first steps towards progress. The next step toward progress is acceptance. The internalized self-hate one feels towards oneself because other members in society deem them inferior is one of the reasons why we may never advance towards a society that does not judge people based on the color of their skin. Accepting that being black is not necessarily a dilemma but an armor you should wear with pride is foremost. Continue reading “Colorism”

Celebrating Black History

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It all happened pretty quickly. On Jan 9th I talked casually to my friend about the state of being black in America. We addressed everything from slavery, to affirmative action, to the downfall of Bill Cosby. As black women, we have to think about these issues through two lenses, race, and gender. The intersectionality of race and gender is what the intellectuals in academia call it. The following week, I went to see Kevin Powell speak at the Brooklyn Historical Society and was enamored by his thought-provoking conversation. I was also very proud that he spoke about the same things my friend and I talked about just the week before. From there, I decided to delve further into my knowledge of black history. Not that I don’t know enough as it is (I know enough to make my little mind go insane), but I wanted to dive just a little deeper. So I took the plunge. I spent the last few weeks, reading, writing, watching, and conversing about black history and the current state of black men and women in America. It was then that I understood how important the conversation is to have.

This February is going to be very significant for the Lifestyle By Ky Blog. It marks the start of Black History Month, a special month filled with pride and remembrance of what my ancestors did for you and me so we could have a better life. From enduring the harsh ramifications of slavery to the senseless violence of the Civil Rights era, they sacrificed for us so we could have the freedoms that we enjoy today and will continue to build on in the future. Continue reading “Celebrating Black History”

Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties

IMG_0563-1Like many women, when I meet a guy that I actually like, I allow my mind to create a whirlwind of thoughts for what our perfect relationship would look like. Some might call these thoughts fantasies, which is completely normal and healthy. We all have them, don’t we? Well, according to Psychology Today:

“Fantasies are not frivolous. They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, even arousing, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality…”

As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality. As women, it’s pretty hard to meet someone we are really into and not have some sort of expectation for the future. That’s like telling someone, let’s go to Disney World but don’t expect to go on the rides. In saying this, I want to touch on this idea of fantasies and the false hope that it brings about; I am encouraged to tie this in with my series on soul ties. As with all of my soul ties post, I am about to get real, I am going to expose some of my vulnerabilities and you all might think I am completely insane, but that’s okay.

Side Note: I am a Pisces, and even though I am not into that astrology stuff anymore, Pisces tend to be dreamers, we want the happy endings, we believe in the good of all people. When I think of us, I can imagine that we would be content skipping through a big field of sunflowers, catching butterflies and enjoying the fresh air and sunlight. So please don’t judge me. Like for real, what I am about to say sounds even crazy to me.

Continue reading “Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties”

Living in Purpose: Human Trafficking, Tiffany Wright and my first Docu.

When I was a junior in high school, I joined an organization called Council for Unity. Each year the organization focused on an issue happening around the world to raise awareness to the whole student body in a mandatory forum. Everyone apart of this organization had a role, but the most important thing we did collectively was research the annual issue.

The year I joined, the issue was Human Trafficking. All of my life I never knew such a heinous operation was occurring in the world. We are taught to believe that slavery was abolished in 1863 but it still occurs and millions of men, women, and children are victims of this crime. Human trafficking is a billion-dollar black market industry and despite efforts to contain this problem, it’s growing rapidly.

As a result of my research while in Council for Unity, I was shocked, afraid and empowered all at the same time. I wanted to know everything I could about this issue. I became dedicated to researching and raising awareness about human trafficking. All I could think of was those poor children in Thailand forced to have sex with men, three times their age or the women who put their trust in someone that tells them they can make their dreams of becoming a model come true, only to be tricked into prostitution. Can you imagine being kidnapped, stripped of your passport and identity, beaten, and raped repeatedly, only to feel like there is no way out? To be honest, after learning about human trafficking I was never the same; a part of my innocence was taken away from me after researching these vile things but can you imagine the pain and trauma of these victims? Continue reading “Living in Purpose: Human Trafficking, Tiffany Wright and my first Docu.”

Fighting Culture Among Girls&Women…Why?

I’ve never been a fighter. The one time I was probably supposed to fight a girl for trying to “steal my man” I didn’t have the heart to. What was the point? To hurt her? I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Sometimes I would ask God why he made me like this? Passive, never wanting to entertain trouble. People assumed it was a weakness but I look at it as having a big heart. People assumed I was letting others take advantage of me, but it was more about being a nice person. Growing up in Brooklyn, this was one of the many nuances in my personality that made me feel different from others. As a Brooklyn girl you have to be tough, right? Well, I was never like that. I would rather be friends with you than fight you. However, there are so many people, so many young girls to be exact. who feel the opposite.

In order to gain respect, you have to fight and be the champ. For some reason, a lot of girls and guys hold girl fights in such high esteem. I will never forget when I was peer pressured to go to the projects and fight a group of girls to defend one of my friends. I brought a bottle of Clorox to defend myself; otherwise, I would’ve been done for. God was with me that day because the girls never showed up. I vowed never to put myself in such danger again, all in the name of fitting in or proving something to these so-called “friends.” Continue reading “Fighting Culture Among Girls&Women…Why?”