Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties

IMG_0563-1Like many woman, when I meet a guy that I actually like, I allow my mind to create a whirlwind of thoughts for what our perfect relationship would look like. Some might call these thoughts fantasies, which is completely normal and healthy. We all have them don’t we? Well, according to Psychology Today:

“Fantasies are not frivolous. They can be entertaining, distracting, frightening, even arousing, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality…”

As long as we don’t mistake fantasies for reality. As women, it’s pretty hard to meet someone we are really into and not have some sort of expectation for the future. That’s like telling someone, let’s go to Disney World, but don’t expect to go on the rides. In saying this, I want to touch on this idea of fantasies and the false hope that it brings about; I am encouraged to tie this in with my series on soul ties. As with all of my soul ties post, I am about to get real, I am going to expose some of my vulnerabilities and you all might think I am completely insane, but that’s okay. Side Note: I am a Pisces, and even though I am not into that astrology stuff anymore, Pisces tend to be dreamers, we want the happy endings, we believe in the good of all people. When I think of us, I can imagine that we would be content skipping through a big field of sunflowers, catching butterflies and enjoying the fresh air and sunlight. So please don’t judge me. Like for real, what I am about to say sounds even crazy to me.

Continue reading “Fantasies, False Hope, & Ungodly Soul Ties”

Ungodly Soul Ties

Kydee williamsSoul Ties have been on my mind and heart for a while now, but very strongly this past weekend. I learned about Soul Ties about 3 years ago. I was actually weaning myself off of one when someone told me what it was. The strong feelings associated with this person no longer being in my life made sense now. I wasn’t crazy. I was in a soul tie! Throughout this post, I am going to share some of the things I’ve learned about soul ties along with my own personal experiences.

To start, there are two types of soul ties, an Ungodly Soul Tie and a Godly Soul tie. For the purposes of this post, I am going to focus on the Ungodly Soul Tie. As always, expect complete transparency.

Soul ties represent a bond. These bonds, or soul bonds are created through people and things. What normally ends up happening is that you become dependent and attached to them. The deeper the bond, the more difficult it is to break. Sometimes we don’t know how tied we are to someone or something until it’s time to give it up.

I was with someone for about 9-years. Now, if we are going to be real, I was only really with them in a relationship for about 4-years. The other 5-years we were in a “friends with benefits” arrangement. When it was time to breakaway from him, no one around me understood why it was so hard for me to do so:

“Yall broke up years ago, why do you still care about him?”

“He’s moved on and so should you!”

“That was just puppy love… that shouldn’t matter now.”

Their responses were callous. They didn’t understand how much it hurt to let this person go. I depended on him. I called him whenever something was going right or wrong and he was there for me. I sought his approval. I LOVED him. More importantly, they didn’t understand that I was in a soul tie so strong that it couldn’t easily be cured with a Girl’s Night Out or meeting someone new, it was deep. It was spiritual. It was warfare.

There are various ways a soul tie can form:

Continue reading “Ungodly Soul Ties”

Listen to Your Heart

Love Yourself Enough to Know When Its Time To Walk Away…

I know a woman who wanted to be in a relationship. The pressure of those around her was getting too deep. Friends questioned why she was still single and why she didn’t give dating a chance. Their judgment pierced her heart. She didn’t let them know, but it hurt. She felt perfectly fine discovering who she was spiritually, mentally and professionally. She was making great strides in her life and she took pride in working her way up the success ladder. But all of that didn’t matter to them because she didn’t have a man to validate her.

One day, when she least expected it she met a guy. He saw her in the midst of a sea of women and wanted her. She was flattered. He wasn’t the type of guy she normally went for, but she was open-minded and his persistence was admirable. Turns out, he was exactly who she was looking for. He was educated, ambitious and he understood her. It took a certain type of man to understand the type of woman she was but he did. Within a few months of talking they knew a relationship was the next step and made it official. She was on cloud nine. Could this be her husband? Things were great until things weren’t great.

This relationship became a problem when she realized that he struggled with a problem. She went to his house one evening and his over-zealousness was an indication that he had been drinking. Continue reading “Listen to Your Heart”

Summer Summer Summer Time!

There is something about summers in New York. I can’t explain the feeling but it’s just liberating. Each year, there has been some kind of life lesson or personal growth that took place in my life during the summer months. I am inspired to become a better version of me for the latter part of the year and give life my best foot forward. One of the things I enjoy doing and have been doing every year since I graduated is create a list of things that I want to do over the summer. It could be something dealing with the arts, maybe a new exhibit, possibly write more, wear my hair natural, whatever it might be I always try to hold myself accountable for my goals.

2011

When I first graduated from Penn State in 2011, I was lost. I didn’t have the slightest clue where I was going to work in the fall, I had no money and no insight into my future, but those things did not take the fun out of my life. I was shockingly content with finding myself. I let go and let God take control and I allowed myself to live a little. Just getting out of a bad pseudo-relationship, I spent the summer rebuilding my self-esteem, writing, and on youtube learning everything there was to know about the big chop and being natural(It would take 2-years before I actually wore my hair natural). I even started an earrings business.

DSC02218_2 Continue reading “Summer Summer Summer Time!”

Making New Friends as an adult

Why is it that once we’re in our 20’s we have this no new friends mentality? I absolutely love meeting new people. I have a lot of friends as it is, but it doesn’t hurt to know more. Sometimes I look at the strange faces on the train and it hits me, I don’t know a thing about these people and I never will but for 20-minutes we share the same train car on the way to work. Who are they? What are their dreams? What makes them different? Unfortunately, I will never know the answer to these questions. Not because I can’t just walk up to them and ask (because I can), but social norms tells me not to.

Growing up making friends came so naturally to me, but the older I got, the more reserved I became. Sometimes I even question if my demeanor is welcoming or aloof? Professionally, making new friends is key. It always helps to find people who want the same things out of life as you because you guys can go to the same events together or enjoy similar things, but I haven’t been able to find that person. Maybe I am living in lala land and making new friends in adulthood is weird, but is it so wrong to want a blogger buddy who loves to brunch? I found this video on Buzzfeed and it warmed my heart.

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Weight Watchers Journey

A couple months ago I wrote a blog about Relationship Weight and how much i’ve gained after getting too comfortable. Well, I am finally taking my own advice and doing something about it. On April 1st I applied for Weight Watchers. I signed up for the $44 a month plan, which consists of meetings, 24/7 counseling and online support. There’s also other price points more or less than what I chose. I will consider the $19.95 a month plan once I get some control over my weight. The pictures of me in Dubai was a reality check; I looked at least 15-pounds over weight. I haven’t checked my weight but I can always tell when I’ve gained some. I get rolls in my neck and back. My face also looks fuller than it already is. I believe I am probably around 150 and I would like to get back down to 135. I feel like I am in college again when I gained the freshman 15 during my junior year. I already know what you’re thinking, junior year? but that year I decided to stay on campus in the dorms after 2-years of having my own apartment. With dorm living, comes the meal plan, where you can eat all day, every day and only God knows what they put in that food to make you fat.

I was surprised by how much fun Weight Watchers actually is. Each day I track the food I am eating and sometimes to meet certain goals I’ll eat a fruit or more veggies which I would’ve never done had I not signed up for the program. I get 26 points daily that I try not to go over. The first couple of days I was going over these points. My love for baked mac and cheese cannot be replaced, but it was taking a majority of my daily points(10 pts) and this week alone I had it 3-4 times. I feel like as I get more involved and invested in the program things will change and I will begin to take my weight loss journey more seriously. Excited to share this new journey with you. I am so stubborn when it comes to my food and don’t like to exercise, but I am going to try to make this fun.

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Relationship Weight

I tried on a pair of jeans that used to be big for me in the summer. They’re boyfriend jeans, which tend to be baggy. I got the jeans on one leg, and then the other but pulling them past my thighs was a problem. They no longer fit me! I gained weight. My friend coined it relationship weight. Sometimes when you embark on a new relationship, you gain unnecessary weight and I have all the signs and symptoms of getting too comfortable and picking up unhealthy eating habits.

Sign #1-I canceled my Gym Membership

Relationship or not, I would’ve canceled my gym membership because I don’t particularly like going to the gym in the winter; I don’t like when the brisk air hits you while walking out of the gym all hot and sweaty, it’s a terrible mixture of temperatures. I would much rather be cuddled up in my blanket watching reruns of “Living Single.” However, I do spend a lot more time with my significant other, which takes away from the time I could be at a gym so there you have it, faux pas number one.

Sign #2-Date More. Eat More.

It seems like when you’re in a relationship all you guys do is eat. You go on dates and eat, you spend the night in and eat. I’ve never eaten so much take-out in my life.

Sign #3 Comfort & Compliments

The compliments from my boyfriend are endless, and no I don’t get tired of them. His acknowledgement of my beauty makes me feel great but I’ve gotten too comfortable. He may “love me the way I am” but it’s never a good idea to lose self-control because of the validation you are getting from someone else.

The first step is acknowledging that I have a problem. I came to this conclusion last week when I ate 3-cartons of Ben and Jerry Red Velvet Ice Cream without a care in the world. I am losing self-control and I know it, but I will bounce back. Being healthy is so important, and I have to find ways to remain healthy while in a relationship or else…

pregnancy-weight-gain

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Peace. Love & Let God.

As the holiday season is among us, I am reminded of the immense work that God has done in my life. Unfortunately, by the people around me who are doing reflections of their year and overall life and feel like it’s not enough; They are not doing enough; they are not fulfilling a purpose; My heart is heavy as I hear their pleas of inadequacy, searching for the right words to calm their discontented spirits.

In November 2013, I was in the same predicament. I had no peace in my life nor in my heart. I wanted more. I worried about the past, the present and the future. I had very little hope that change would come. I found myself in Barnes and Nobles one Sunday morning, wanting so desperately for my life to change. I spent the whole day reading books. Books about travel, books about pursuing a higher degree, books about writing my own book and books about relationships and wedding planning. What exactly did I want out of my life? All of these things. The question was, how to take the first steps towards attaining my inner most desires? I found that the answer was in humility. My number one issue was that I was not happy with my present. I felt stuck. I didn’t feel like I was progressing as fast enough as my peers. I hate to admit it now, because I always consider myself my own competition, but I was looking at others and comparing their success to my own, which is the worst thing to do. I didn’t feel like I was growing professionally, I felt more than competent to take on more responsibility at work but didn’t see an avenue to pursue this growth. I’d never traveled beyond the Caribbean and I wanted to see the world so bad, I didn’t have my own apartment nor did I have a car (which was a personal choice) but hey it could’ve been nice, and I was single and hadn’t been in a substantial relationships since I was in my late teens. Humility came with acknowledging that I was more than capable of having everything my heart desired simply by putting my life in God’s hands wholeheartedly. I wouldn’t complain about my job, I would thank God for it. I wouldn’t pout when hopping into a friend’s new car I would thank God for their blessings. I shut my mouth and continued to pursue excellence in all aspects of my life even though I didn’t see nor did I fathom the plans and the ways God would shake up my life in 2014. I found peace, not only in my present but in my future. My security in God grew stronger and I learned how to truly forgive. Forgive my past, forgive those who said something to me or did something to me that did not align with how God defined me, now all that was left to do was watch God’s plans unfold and it did.

After getting baptized in January and declaring publicly that the lord was my savior, I soon booked a trip to Europe that changed my life. I planned my first event for my organization Reserved that turned out to be a success. I went to a seminar that taught me how to write and publish my own book. I then went on to travel through Europe and all the cities I only dreamed of seeing. It changed my life and showed me that all things were possible through God. I came back from Europe only to discover that I was getting a raise and a bonus at work…what? I wasn’t expecting both. I completely bounced back financially over night, it was as if I never took money out of my bank account to pay for Europe-all was covered. I started dedicating my Tuesday nights to prayer meeting at my church. The thing that I enjoyed about prayer meeting was that it taught me how to be selfless. We didn’t spend 2-hours praying for ourselves and our own problems, we prayed for others. We prayed for those individuals living in rural Asia, India and Haiti or the forgotten Native Americans suffering from alcoholism and poverty on reservations. We prayed for women caught up in human trafficking and for people whose family members were suffering from cancer, mental illness and other serious ailments. I learned that the world didn’t revolve around me, I learned to pray and I learned to worship. I even began listening to gospel music-Alpha and Omega by Israel Houghton is my favorite song ever. Eventually things began to look up for me.

I began to take the idea of going back to school seriously. What I would go to school for was still a mystery but I knew I was beginning to love business and entrepreneurship and I always wanted to be a writer and write for a magazine.

I stopped partying as much, matter fact I didn’t party at all, yet one day I decided to go to an event called “The Greatest Day Ever” and met my boyfriend. Turns out he’s so gentle, giving, and intelligent, a little bit CRAY-CRAY, very introverted but overall a great person and I am happy he’s in my life. I soon realized in order to pursue a new relationship I would need to make sure my closet was completely cleaned and all skeletons were gone. I co-hosted a sister circle with some of my closest friends. We spent the whole day forgiving; forgiving our past, confronting skeletons that were holding us back and praying for one another. We wrote our insecurities on an index card and released it out of our souls. It was one of the highlights of my year. All was forgiven.

Later on in the year I began to plan to go to South Africa. Africa, was just a mere dream of mine and it was just about to become a reality when my manager left the company and I was promoted into her position. Promotion comes from God, and that had God’s promise written all over it. Now, I am sitting in my bed pretty much typing my year in review anticipating my conclusion so I can thank God for his blessings. But before I do that, I want to share the inspiration for this post. I was listening to a sermon today by my Pastor Cymbala and he preached about peace and the four types of peace we need to have in our lives and in this New Year:

  • Peace with God (When you have peace with God, there’s an understanding that you’re covered. Humble yourself)
  • Peace that covers our past (Letting go of the recriminations and sorrowful memories that might be holding you back. It is what it is; you can’t change your past all you can do is forgive yourself and others)
  • Peace that covers the present (Letting go of those feelings of inadequacy and desires of not having what you want at a certain age or not being where you want to be. Be content in what you are blessed with but continue to pursue your goals.)
  • Peace that covers the future (being secure in that all things work together for the greater good)

In life there are ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days. But one of the things God has shown me this year is that he has a plan for each and every one of our lives and there is no coincidence that we are where we currently are. The present, no matter how monotonous it might be is preparing us for our future and our past cannot be changed so let go of the baggage. God has mapped out our life from when we take our first breath to when we take our last and we have to be secure in knowing he knows what’s best for us and he will provide beyond our inner most desires. He will unleash dreams we never imagined could unfold in our lives. So get ready.

Peace, Love and Happy Holidays!

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I Don’t Want To Wait In Vain For Your Love

I don’t want to cry, not a tear will come down my eyes. I don’t want to scream, not a breath will leave my mouth. I just want you to get it together because I won’t wait for you any longer. My patience is running thin. I know this is not the relationship I signed up for. I didn’t do so much work on myself to settle for mediocrity. I deserve more, I deserve all of you, and I deserve to be a priority and to come first. I’m not second best, I am first and someone will come into my life that will treat me as such. I thought it would be you, but it feels too hard, I don’t like hard. I like easy going, happiness, joy and peace. I want to feel all those things with you. I want to feel comfortable, secure and I want to believe that you are trust worthy. I don’t want to look through your phone, or doubt your loyalty to me. I don’t deserve that nor do you. So instead of waiting in vain for your love, I will gladly remove myself from the equation, because the relationship that I signed up for should include time well spent together, date nights every week, sometimes two or three times in a week, flowers, surprises, intimacy, love, weekend trips, getting to know the family, and friends and other fun easy going things that couples do to build themselves up into a strong team. I want the works, and it seems like our relationship is haunted by an unreconciled past filled with broken hearts and exes that you may or may not want and this dear friend is not what I signed up for.  I deserve the best. I will not wait in vain for your love. I will wait in vain for the love that has my name on it and unfortunately this is not it.

Getting To Know Someone…Again

To some people, one of the most annoying things about meeting someone new is the process of getting to know them. I have to admit, I used to feel this way but ever since I met my boyfriend, getting to know him is one of the most pivotal (and fun) times in our relationship. In a sense we are setting a foundation for the rest of the relationship by dictating our likes and dislikes, standards, and deal breakers.

I kept my standards high waiting for the moment when my Prince Charming would whisk me off my feet and that kind-of-sort-of happened. He noticed me at a party/concert we both attended and asked if he could put me on his shoulders. I said sure, why not? He picked me up but I landed on his bald head. He asked for a second chance but I told him absolutely not. The whole thing was pretty awkward until he asked for my number and continued on with his night. I did the same.

I thought about him; wondered if he would contact me but didn’t think anything of our exchange. Yes, his approach was like no other. I mean, no one has ever asked me if they could put me on their shoulders which is why he stuck out in my head, but aside from that I wasn’t interested in getting to know someone new. I was sick of the whole dating scene. I just wanted to be single.

He contacted me a couple of days later and I found out he was a special-education teacher, he received his degree from Boston College, his masters from Pace University and he was from Harlem. Although I was open to meeting someone new, I was not excited about it (in spite of his credentials). He was persistent and after a few weeks of texting we talked on the phone and sparks flew. Was this the guy I was waiting for my whole life? Our conversation was effortless. We talked for 3-hours and would’ve talked longer if I didn’t have to jump on a conference call. Every day leading up to our first date was filled with great conversation. Everything was new and fresh and we wanted to know everything about one another.

So we came up with 21 questions for each other. We each thought of random questions to ask one another to illicit conversation. Some of his questions dealt with the future he wanted to build with someone, while mine focused on who he was at his core. These questions proved to be helpful conversation starters but that wasn’t something we had issues with anyway. We enjoyed talking to one another and no question or topic was ever off limits.

In the case of my boyfriend, I don’t mind getting to know him because he’s special and I’m really into him. If I could know everything about his past I would because when you like someone you just want to know everything about their lives.

(Or maybe that’s just me)

Some helpful conversation starters:

  1. Name, Age, Where did you grow up?
  2. What are your views on love?
  3. Do you believe sex before marriage is wrong?
  4. Are you spiritual? What is your religion?
  5. Do you want to get married? When?
  6. What do you fear about commitment?
  7. What do you love about settling down?
  8. Do you drink? Smoke?
  9. Have you ever cheated?
  10. What led to the demise of your past relationship?
  11. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?
  12. Do you have a lot of friends? Who is your best friend?
  13. Do you have children? Do you want children?
  14. Where do you work? Have you discovered what you always wanted to do?
  15. What are your interests? Passions? hobbies? Typical Friday night for you?
  16. Do you live alone? with family?
  17. Where do you go to school?
  18. How often do you believe date nights should be?
  19. Do you travel? Where have you traveled to?
  20. What would you have done differently in your last relationship?
  21. How important is health and fitness in your life?