If Issa Was My Friend… Insecure Season 2 Epi. 1

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Photo Cred: The Atlantic

The season 2 premiere of Insecure was like soul food. Issa’s character awkwardly over thinks herself into crazy situations, setting her expectations high and leaving her disappointed, similar to what I do on a daily basis, especially when it comes to my love life. As the twists and turns of the episode unfolded, I found myself shaking my head and screaming at the screen “No Girl.” Not from a place of judgment but from a place of understanding. Been there and done all of that.

Thus, If Issa was my friend, was born. Unlike a recap of the episode (which is great, but there’s tons of those already), my Iyanla senses wants me to get to the root of Issa and Molly’s decisions this season. I want to be apart of their friend circle anyway, so this is kind of me bringing the idea of having a best friend in my head to life. See how that works?

If Issa was my friend, I would’ve told her, “No! Don’t have sex with Lawrence. They always come back but that doesn’t mean you should give up the goodies as soon as they do. He’s just not ready.”

Breakups are rough, especially when the woman is the one who cheated and is at fault for it. Some guys in these situations, develop these self-righteous attitudes, like they are so much better than the cheating woman. They act as if they are so disgusted by the presence of this woman. Even if the guy wasn’t so innocent in the relationship himself, something happens to his ego when a woman cheats and he pretty much changes.

This is what we are seeing happening to Lawrence. Lawrence loved Issa but now that Issa betrayed his trust, he’s unforgiving. My only issue with this, is societal double standards that are in favor of men when they cheat but not when women do. When a man cheats, the woman is supposed to forgive and get over it. Which in most cases we usually do. Society tells us to accept the reality of a cheating man because “ALL MEN CHEAT.” Whether that is true or not, we have desensitized cheating for men, but have not done the same for women. When a woman cheats, the consequences are grim. The men in these situations are not as forgiving and they are conditioned to walk away from the situation without any chance of reconciliation . Lawrence first instincts wasn’t to forgive Issa, it was to hurt her as much as she hurt him. It was to sleep with other women. Not once was it to hear Issa’s pleas of forgiveness. I am not condoning cheating for men or women, but I think the standards for each gender should be equal.

Issa created an awesome plan to show Lawrence that she’s living her best life by throwing a Wine Down party. She thought he was coming over but he in turn sends that disappointing text that he wasn’t going to make it. The feeling of defeat on her face was a little sad. Getting disappointed by an ex that you love and so desperately want to make amends with is always rough. But he eventually came around.

What we saw happen on that couch was not an act of love. That was a quick F***. Let’s not get it twisted. Issa opened a door for a friends with benefits situation. Lawrence and Issa are not back together, just yet. Lawrence is not looking at her in a loving way, although he still has love for her. She’s a sexual object now, a release for his pent up anger and that kiss on the cheek at the end was a slap in the face. I know we’re supposed to believe that he’s coming back. I know that cringe worthy smirk on Issa’s face at the end of the episode, means that even she thinks he’s coming back, but he’s not. Not yet. He’s hurt, his ego is bruised, and he still has to unpack some of those feelings. Sometimes men jump to other women to deal with that type of hurt. Lawrence is now with Tasha who seems to uplift him, despite her messing with the chances of him and Issa getting back together. Issa however is going to have to figure out how to live life without Lawrence in the mean time and iron out all of her issues so when Lawrence does finally come back, which he will, she’s ready for the relationship that they both deserve. If she still even wants that.

#Podbyky Season Finale “Meet Me At The Alter” w/Chris & Bri

 

I’m just going to start off by saying Podcasting is Life. When I first decided I wanted to do a podcast, I wrote a list of things that I wanted to discuss with other people. How could they impart their knowledge on me to help me to grow? To help my audience grow? I wanted to talk to everyone about everything that I cared about from Cultural Appropriation to Entrepreneurship. But one of the most pending questions I had, is when it came to one of the most important relationships in life…MARRIAGE.

I want to get married. I’ve wanted to since I could remember. My friend Nikki and I planned our weddings in a binder when we were 12. I love the idea of partnership and growth. Traveling, buying a home, raising kids, and growing old. I love the idea of having someone to always come home to, talk to, and share a bed with so I don’t have to be afraid of the dark anymore. But these are all idealistic characteristics of marriage and while it’s nice to dream about, the reality is 50% of marriages end in divorce. Therefore, I needed to know the gritty truth about marriage as well. The reality of marriage. What does it take to make it work? What qualities do I need to possess? What’s the hardest sacrifice you would have to make as a spouse? I knew just who to call to answer some of these questions.

Chris and Bri are twenty-somethings who got married right after college. They were young but they made it work and are in it for the long run (aka FOREVER).  It was important that I talked to them because God is at the center of their relationship. I can arguably say that Christian courting is harder than regular dating. I say this because of the standards christians have to uphold themselves to. The temptations that they have to fight off, IT’S HARD! But Chris and Bri overcame those challenges and their love story is inspiring. In spite of all of that, I knew they would also keep it real. They are super authentic and would be transparent about what it takes to make a marriage work.

Fun Facts:

  • This is one of the first podcasts I ever shot. You can actually tell, I was super nervous.
  • This podcast was shot twice. The first one was so good, I almost cried while interviewing them. Then while I was editing, it deleted into oblivion and I had to make that embarrassing call to Chris and Bri, like “Heyyyyyyyyyyyy, now what had happened was….”
  • The second podcast that we shot (you’re listening to Take Two) was just as amazing as the first – thanks guys.
  • When we shot again, Chris was sick. Sorry Chris!
  • Chris & Bri are the most gracious couple. They are super supportive of me and I appreciate their light, their story, their authenticity. They are unapologetically themselves and I love them for that.
  • This podcast is like SOUL FOOD. I learned so much about myself while listening to these two. I learned that there’s a lot of stuff I need to work on as I prepare for my life-long partner in crime.

What an experience podcasting has been. I love interviewing people. I love hearing people’s stories and trajectories. I love learning about what people had to go through to get to where they are today. It’s been an eye-opening experience and it has taught me so much about myself and what I am capable of.

Chris on Social

Twitter: @ChrisB06

Instagram: @dibaddestchaplain

Youtube Channel: ChrisB

Website: https://www.soundboothradio1.com/

Bri on Social

Website: https://crownfruit.wordpress.com/

Instagram: @brburton08

Ky on Social

Website: Lifestylebyky.com

Instagram: @lifestylebyky

Twitter: @bykyblogs

By Ky Books: The Mothers by Brit Bennett

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The Mothers: A Novel

Religion. Suicide. Abortion. Sexual Abuse. Failed First Love. Grief. Depression. This book does not hold back on the issues it addresses. But although those topics seem heavy, the author Brit Bennett, does such an excellent job with her writing and character building that you don’t feel weighed down by the story once its over. It feels real. At the core of this story is an abortion that beautiful Nadia Turner, the main character feels like she must have. She doesn’t confide in anyone including her boyfriend, she’s just hell bent on getting one. This book tackles the choice women make when they either have an abortion and pursue the rest of their lives and their dreams or not to have one and birth life. The idea is that both choices comes with costs and for Nadia, having a child would mean halting her dreams of going to college and becoming successful to stay at home, where being home meant dealing with grief and depression that her heart could no longer take.

I would identify this as a coming of age story that is representative of reality not those coming of age stories where characters jump in lakes and try to soak in the last real summer before adulthood, this story is hits home for several reasons and really illustrates the reality of young adulthood for some people. It tackles real life issues while intertwining religion and often time the hypocrisy of it. I don’t want to give too much away, but I liked this book, I didn’t like the ending that much but I enjoyed reading it overall and loved how the author developed such powerful relationships that may or may not withstand the test of time.

If you’re into podcasts, For Colored Nerds on itunes has an amazing interview with the author Britt Bennet who gives further perspective into the narrative of this story.

Simple Relationship Advice

You’re Worthy.

As a girl-friend (not girlfriend), the week of Valentines Day is always rough. Valentines Day is a troublemaker when you’re in a relationship or in a situationship because men either don’t pick up on the clues or don’t acknowledge you or the day at all and either situation is problematic to a woman. As much as we say we don’t like Valentines Day (I am not included in this narrative), some women still want to be acknowledged and appreciated. Some women want to know that they are worthy. Some women want to know they are not giving their all without something in return. I think the general consensus is being acknowledged on valentines day doesn’t have to equate a big elaborate gift. It can be as simple as a rose, a poem, a box of candy, or a thoughtful card. Yet, this goes over a lot of guy’s head and they might send a text (and that’s it) or act like the day never happened and call you the next day like “What’s up?” :/

So, as you can imagine there were a lot of fires that I needed to put out that weekend following the big V. It’s important that my friends, other women, and even myself know that we are worthy. What does being worthy mean? It means that as an individual you are an amazing person that deserves everything your heart desires. You deserve the recognition and the acknowledgement that you want and if you’re not getting it then you have to make some adjustments in your life.

Valentines day also helps to put a lot of relationships into perspective. Needless to say I received a lot of calls from fed up friends who were ready to just let it all go and move on from a relationship. My only advice there is Make sure you clean out your closet before jumping into another relationship.

What that means is check yourself. Sometimes we have the tendency to jump in relationships and make the same mistakes with the next guy because there’s something within us, maybe insecurity or a soul tie, maybe we haven’t dealt with past hurts or rejection that we don’t want to resonate. Cleaning house means taking the time after a relationship ends to work on you and build a stronger relationship with God. It means directing your focus away from someone else and giving it all to yourself and what makes you happy; building yourself up so you can be a better person and girlfriend or wife (since that’s the goal for most women) the next time around.

Setting Standards: The Text That Brought Me Out of My Blogging Hiatus

The Text That Brought Me Out of My Blogging Hiatus and Why its Important for Women to raise our Standards and Keep it Up!

I’ve been on a mini-blogging vacation for 5-months, but on Thursday, during a full moon, which my astrological-loving coworker said would stir stuff up, I received the below text message and immediately knew, it was time to come back from my hiatus and write or vent (which ever seemed more appropriate) about this.

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The Back Story: I’ve known this person for years, since I was 19. It’s been on and off for the most part. Him, super handsome. Beautiful brown puppy dog eyes, 6-ft tall, mocha colored. I knew I liked him from when I first saw him. But for some reason I could never take him 100% seriously, and I never understood why. We were extremely attracted to each other, but we both couldn’t understand why our relationship attempts never worked. So we remained friends. Whenever I called he was there and the same was given in return. He’s my old faithful and I’m his. If both of us are not married by 45…what the hell!

Then this happened. I was going over to his new apartment to check it out (Of course, I helped him with his search but he would never give me credit for that) and to be quite honest who knew what would happen. Maybe we would kiss? Maybe he would complain that I was being awkward…again. Maybe I would complain that his laugh was stupid and annoying. Maybe we would cook or Netflix and chill. It was a tempting situation, I’ll be the first to admit it, I’m not a novice to these things, but I ignored God’s subtle warnings, as I made up my mind to see his apartment. It looked nice on Facetime and I wanted to see it IRL.

As work began to wind down, I texted him to follow up with our plans. He said he just woke up from a nap but couldn’t pick me up because he had to do laundry; if I still wanted to come over the choice was mine but he would go half-on an Uber with me. There were many things I wanted to say. My first thought “Go Half on an Uber?” I am exhaling as I write this. This situation showed me that we have to raise our standards. This is not only for women but for men too. When we know that a person has everything going on, is fine as hell, but the relationship is still not working, then its time to let it go. It’s so important to be equally yoked with your partner. It’s so important not to compromise yourself for someone who doesn’t even think you’re worth it. It’s so important to take heed to the red flags. I could’ve dusted it under the rug, as this type of behavior from him is not anything new, but I was angered by this situation for several reasons:

Priorities: As this man put a pile of laundry before me, my friend and her fiancée was driving to pick me up from work to take me to an event that I asked them to accompany me to. When I told them that the event was cancelled, they still insisted on driving into midtown to pick me up and take me home.When you have friends that will go out of their way for you it shows you what you’re deserving of. Yet here, I have a man, that can’t even drive 15-minutes to pick me up from my home, let alone to Midtown Manhattan. It sounds like I am being spoiled and dependent. I’m not. I am not a priority to him and being put second to laundry is a red flag that I can’t ignore any more.

My Worth in his eyes: In his eyes, I wasn’t worth a $12 Uber, only half of that. In my eyes I am worth so much more. Sometimes this is the hard truth about the people in our lives that we don’t want to see. But someone’s actions speak louder than their words and the reality check on this one was so real. I can see this situation happening when I was younger (and it never did) so as an adult, it’s almost belittling.

Not the One: Because he’s been in my life for so long I would question if he would be the one, eventually. But he’s not. History doesn’t define a life partner and a great husband, love and action does.

“Thank You” was all I could muster up as a reply back to him. Thank You for revealing your true colors before I compromised myself. I came to my senses and realized this was God’s  way of revealing to me what I refused to see before. This was him protecting me, as he did so many times in the past. This was him reminding me that my body was a temple and that my actual husband would never demean me like this. This was him telling me that I should not put myself in tempting situations and that I have to be patient with his process for me. Thank You God for always being there, as my father, my protector, and my best friend. Setting standards means knowing when to walk away from a situation that lowers your worth. I’m walking away because I know there’s so much more waiting for me, true love even.

#Podbyky Epi 11 Male-Kesi Perspective

imageI will be the first to admit…I don’t understand men. I think I can figure them out, but what’s the point in guessing when I can go directly to the source and get some of my most pending questions answered.

So that’s exactly what I did. On today’s podcast, I am joined by Makesi who answers questions ranging from “Do men suffer from heartbreak” to “Do men want to be approached by woman” Hope you enjoy!

Contentment

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I walked home from church one Saturday afternoon, after spending the whole morning writing scripts for our Sunday school’s upcoming lessons. I passed through Park Slope and debated if I should go to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Mr. Wonton.  My stomach cravings got the best of me. I walked in and noticed a young, black woman, sitting in the corner, eating General Tso’s Chicken. She was alone. I was empowered by how carefree she was. I’ve eaten by myself before, but seeing her there, at that moment, reminded me how long it’s been since I’ve been a solo diner. I asked for a seat in back of her, not to be a lurker but her area offered the best seating in the restaurant. I ordered shrimp fried rice, and a shrimp roll. They brought over noodle chips with a bowl of duck sauce. I giddily enjoyed a delicious meal, and my fortune told me “If you can shape it in your mind, you will find it in your life…”

That simple moment, led me to think about how content I was. I am single. I’ve been single for quite some time now, however it was the first time in my life where I didn’t feel shame about my singleness or even, complain about it. I love myself. I really do, and it took such a long time to get here but I am here. I don’t want to settle in a relationship. I don’t want to attract men, with empty promises and their inability to remain faithful. I don’t want to compromise myself anymore. I don’t want to lose myself either. I don’t want to give and not get the same back in return. I don’t want to feel alone, even though I have the title of a girlfriend. I don’t want to be worried about where my man is or why he hasn’t called me all day. I don’t want to question if he will feel the same joy that I feel about my birthday or Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to push my man to make more ambitious strides with his life without the same support from him. I don’t want to teach a man how to be a man. I’ve grown tired of it all.

My table was set for two. I looked at the empty seat in front of me, but it didn’t taunt me. It represented the ghosts of the many men that came before, that just didn’t work out. It also represented the bright future ahead of me. I’ve given my love life to God. So while he does the work in me, I know there’s going to be many other times where I will be dating myself, and that’s okay. I am content in where I am right now because I know I am being prepared for a relationship that will last forever.

 

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Tunnel Vision.

Look to the left of you. Now look to the right of you. Sometimes, in life we get caught up looking at what’s going on with everyone else and not focusing on us, which is the path straight ahead. I’ve always prided myself on being the type of person with tunnel vision. I’ve never wanted to follow what others were doing and always tried to remain true to who I was. However, lately I’ve been feeling lost. I feel as if life is just moving and I’m still trying to figure it all out. I look at the people on social media, and the people who I interact with in my everyday life and it’s just a lot going on. From the multiple degrees to the wedding engagements and marriages, it can sometimes feel like you’re doing something wrong because these things are not happening for you.

Recently I saw a Brittany Spears meme, coming to an understanding with her breakdown at 26-years old. You remember that break down; she shaved her head and was running through the streets with a umbrella. Although I am not feeling that overwhelmed, I understand the pressures of the world and how consuming figuring out your life can be.

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So what can we do?

Focus on you, is often the answer that we hear, but that’s easier said than done. I do believe in tunnel vision however. I believe that you should figure out what you want in life and create an intricate blue print of how you will get there. Be realistic as well. There are going to be ups and downs so we have to be conscious of the setbacks and the triumphs. Furthermore, I believe you should never succumb to comparing yourself to others. We all are unique, we all are born at different times, we all have separate journeys for a reason and the minute we try to compete with others we’ve already failed.

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Taylor’d World Podcast

Taylor'd World PodcastTaylor’d World is one of my favorite podcasts. So when Taylor, the host invited me on her show I was overjoyed. My first thought was “Finally”. Taylor and I went to school together, we share the same interests, and we’re both Pisces of course the connection was there. My next? What am I going to say? Ahhhhhh.

My experience on Taylor’d World was nothing short of amazing. The first half was about the beauty of blogging. We discussed the ups and downs of blogging. Some of the ways I get inspiration, and dealing with positive or negative feedback and trolls.

Before going into our second discussion, Taylor played a trivia game with me about one of my favorite shows of all times “Living Single”. I got 1 question wrong grrrr!

The second half was all about getting over break ups. We talked about everything from First Loves to learning how to love yourself. Post break up you have to immediately build yourself back up. Some of the things that I did was travel, dive into different hobbies and interests, and really start to view myself as a catch. His loss not mine.

Enjoy!

 

 

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My Top 15 Moments in 2015

  1. My Vision Board Party

I think having a Vision Board party in January set the tone for an amazing year. I still get comments from my friends saying their vision boards helped them check off goals on their list that they probably wouldn’t of done without the help of their boards reminding them. My board is still something that empowers me when I look at it. I am encouraged to remain strong willed and grounded.

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  1. Dubai

That glitch fare on Christmas day last year allowed me to go to Dubai for only $200. What a blessing that was. Dubai’s desert was probably my favorite part. That vast landscape of beautiful sand and horizon is something that will forever be embedded in my heart.

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Continue reading “My Top 15 Moments in 2015”